Today is another day. A new day, a brighter day. If you read yesterday's post, I'll update you to say that both (a) and (b) have been resolved, which might have a lot to do with the brightness of the day... or maybe, it just has to do with the support of some great friends, a good night's sleep (even though, to be honest, there were a handful of moments where
I woke up thinking, "oh, @*$#, now what?!"...), and a belief in something out there that will just let things be as they will be).
The conclusions I've come to -
I am not brand-spankin' new to this - I am not a new nurse, not a new OB/L&D nurse, and not a new student nurse-midwife. I know how to check a cervix, I know how to deal with and support women in the throes of labor, and I know how to assess their well-being.
There are parts of this game that I need help with - that's the point of learning. That doesn't mean, though, that I have to let myself and my confidence in my own abilities be funneled down... whether I'm doing that to myself, or letting the nurses, the Midwife, or the families I work with to do this (and please understand, this is not to say that they are or are not doing it intentionally - so many of these issues I am certain are happening in my own mind).
This is the point where, like the mamas meeting the burning at crowning, I have a choice to make... I need to push through, and birth the midwife within, rather than fighting the same pressures and pains I have had for so long.
At work recently, one of my patients delivered precipitously... the weather was worse than it seemed, and the doctor's drive in took just long enough that she walked in as the head was delivering. Thinking that her drive would be the "normal" length, I had my mama start pushing and worked with her as I have become accustomed to more as a SNM than an RN; everything was going perfectly and - had the doctor arrived as expected - the babe's head would have been merely a few pushes from delivering. Instead, I caught --- as it was my patient and the ER doctor was unable to make it --- and everything went smoothly, to the patient and doctor's happiness. The entire process was calm, and reinforces my belief that I can do this --- it is in me. In this experience, when I should have been anxious/nervous/antsy/fill-in-the-blank... it was blissful. Even though this wasn't my patient... wasn't supposed to be "my" delivery... and I didn't have my preceptor's watchful eye... (not to mention the niggling thought of getting in trouble, though I certainly hadn't planned to deliver)... it was beautiful, perfect, and right. My hands did exactly what they needed, my mind didn't falter, and any coaching that needed to be done was there.