Saturday, February 26, 2011


... now I'm just getting pissed.

When my 2 yr old is looking at me, telling me "I don't want you to be sad!" and running out of the room because she's upset that I'm upset... and I'm sitting here (again) blubbering like an idiot, with no one to talk to... I just get mad.

The Midwife just emailed me back. I fully accept that part of this whole thing is my issue; I am not a perfect person, and certainly not a perfect student. But. But. I feel like I have been trying very, very hard to reach out and figure out what she wants from me, to make this clinical experience work. When we were early in the experience, "daily evals" were necessary; I begged her for constructive criticism, and rarely got anything from her that I could work on besides "you're learning, you're doing fine." She told me often that if I needed to change my schedule because of work or family obligations, it was "fine", just to let her know - which I did, if it happened.

I don't know when any of this changed.

The Midwife has "worked with many students in the past and something just does not feel right". Ouch. Does it matter that I have worked with many, many instructors and preceptors in the past? I have never been told that I was "not right" before... no one has ever "fired" me as a student or preceptee.

First impressions are important... the Midwife, in her reply, seems to be saying that something has been "off" all along, and its noticeable not just to her, but the entire staff. She doesn't feel she's unapproachable or distant... so it must be me.

Well, doesn't this all suck.


  1. Can't you find someone else to shadow or is it too late in the game? I definitely think you need to get away from this Midwife before you crash and burn.. if you haven't already. <3 you.

  2. I have to agree with Carol. You may not be a good fit with this particular midwife and if she already has a negative impression of you, for whatever reason, I'm guessing you will never do anything to change that, no matter how wonderful you may be.
    It's time to find another!!

  3. I totally agree. I know it sucks and might be hard to find a preceptor, but you know your shit and you are at a point that the hands on experience is where you are going to learn how that all fits together. If you have someone who for whatever reason doesn't sound like they are a)flexible, b)willing to help you with whatever you need to be a GREAT beginning midwife, and/or c) work through things on a professional level then you probably need and will have a better learning experience from someone else. Good luck! let me know if I can help. You are loved!

  4. thanks ladies... you are 100% right. tomorrow is another day, and another day in clinic (after the weekend of being on-call, but not being called in...) -- so we will see what the day brings. i'm hoping that we can finally talk about some of these things in person, and that i can keep my emotions in check. i have started the process of finding another site, and another preceptor (actually, had had some emails/calls out a few weeks ago, but involved my RCC further into the process now).

    like a bad relationship, i think it's gotten to the point where i've realized there's probably no going back and fixing things now... i don't know what caused this chasm or when exactly it happened, but all i can hope for now is to be able to leave on the best note possible and leave it as a learning experience, without hurt feelings or bitterness (on either of our parts).

  5. you know there are just some people that you always will feel like walking on eggshells around no matter how successful you are... i has nothing to do with you as a SNM but just the 2 personalities that don't work together. you're almost there!!!!