Ebb and flow, yin and yang, yadda yadda. After my little meltdown Friday, things eventually lightened up. (If you've followed the blog at all, or know me, I'm sure you know this is nothing new... or maybe this isn't just me personally, but something that is a natural phenomenon of this thing called life. Maybe it's not unique to mothers, or women, or grad school, or th
ose of us who deal with depression. Maybe it is. Does it matter? Not really.)
Anyway. I posted a similar cry for help, bemoaning my situation on Facebook; basically, that the Warm One was at work, I was at the end of my rope with the girls and had no idea what happened to my patience, and the end of the weekend (the Warm One works a weekend program - Fri/Sat/Sun only, therefore leaving the girls and I to our own devices all weekend) seemed ages away. I was desperate.
And out of nowhere, a good friend came to my rescue. She invited the girls and I over, to visit, to play, to stay. It took us hours and hours to get moving and get packed, but eventually, we got there. She opened her home to us, the girls played (she has a daughter the same age as the Mini-est), and we were able to catch up. We spent Saturday together, just hanging out. Was I the most fun and exciting person to be around? No - but I hope I was a better mother and friend than I felt like I had been earlier that week. Little by little, I am crawling out of this miserable, stress-filled hole.
Before the girls and I left, I managed to pull myself up out of my funk enough to send a copy of my resume/cover letter to the physicians I work with as a labor/delivery nurse, simply to introduce the idea of adding a nurse-midwife to their practice (I've been hoping to have the 'right' moment to talk to some of them about this over the past year or so, but it just hasn't happened); I also emailed my nurse-manager to touch base. My fingers are crossed - even though my breath is far from held - that good things could grow from this tiny seed being planted.
The Warm One also came home last night and shared that another doctor, an incredibly sweet family physician working for a nearby tribal clinic, had asked where I was at with my job hunt; she mentioned that the tribal clinic had been trying to fill an open physician spot for the past year, and she was willing to bring up my name at the next physician's meeting to see what the interest there would be. Again, fingers crossed... I've worked at another nearby tribal health organization in the past, and love working with Native populations. The culture and history, combined with the deep relationships between families, make it a community I would be honored to be invited to work within. (I've requested information from the IHS about their loan repayment program, but have yet to complete the application process; it's on my radar as yet another thought...)
*And, if nothing else - this again cements to me the fact that I cannot - at least at this point in my life - function without antidepressants. I know that there are many different viewpoints on this and whether or not medication is something that is "right" or "necessary" but until I have one or two fewer things going on ... I can't let myself - and my family - go down this road. It never fails that when I manage to go without taking the pills for a short period of time - whether because I fail to get a refill in a timely manner, or because I miss one or two, and then tell myself I still feel "great!" - I find myself in a similar murky fog within a matter of days or a week. Someday, I will be able to truly dedicate the time to find other positive
lifestyle changes to experiment against this headgame, but as for now... I'm gonna take the easy way. I need to be able to accept sweet love notes from the Mini and appreciate them; I need to be able to have patience with my girls when they are being kids, instead of being over-anxious and stressed... I can't see the confusion and hurt in their eyes when they look to me for comfort, and don't get it; this parenting thing is hard. I feel like I hardly see the Mini's lately... and when I do, they're not my sweet little girls anymore! They don't listen... they're sassy... they fight. I don't know if it's a stage, or if it's related to not seeing me, or if it's how it's always been (and I'm just seeing things differently because I'm stressed), or if their actions are feeding off of me, or ...?!