Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

It's seriously 99 degrees outside, with a heat index (whatever that is) another 10-15 degrees hotter. Wooooohooo. Swimming sounds amazing, no!?

At least in a symbolic sense (or a Finding Nemo sense), that's what I'm doing. I'm not sinking, I'm not thrashing wildly trying to get through these last few weeks of clinicals, and I'm doing more - at least, I think so - than just treading water. The end is in sight! I've just crossed the 600 hr mark (out of 675 required hours) of clinical experience; most of my numbers are met or very close. "Dee" keeps throwing this hope-rope to me about submitting a proposal to her administrators to add another midwife to her practice; several of her doctors are on board and supportive. I am so comfortable working with Dee, and with the women she sees - I think we are both praying that things work out and they (administration, that is) agree that expanding her midwifery practice would be beneficial all around. I also just had a phone interview - or at least, a short chat - with a midwife from another midwifery practice about an hour and a half from my home... it was encouraging and again gave me hope for a job opportunity in the near future.

So, while I'm trying desperately not to get too excited about any of these possibilities - and trust me, I really want to get excited... how great would it be to stay within an hour or so of our families?? - it does allow me to drift into the occasional daydream. House hunting... comparing elementary schools... thinking about future vacations and scheduling considerations... and, oh yeah, maybe a paycheck! (This whole "9 months of clinicals and little working" thing has really, really hurt our finances... I think anyone who's been in this spot can commiserate!)

Two more weeks - give or take - of clinicals; one more assignment (a client journal that I should have had done long ago, but had to start all over after the abrupt change in clinical sites); several uber-important tests. It's not that much, especially considering how far I've come this far - but when I look at it that way, it can easily overwhelm me. So, instead --- I'll just keep swimming.

(And, on a side-note, I'll keep looking forward to the end of September, when I will hopefully be an official nurse-midwife, and celebrating in Punta Cana...)

Our Strength

I've been thinking about strength today. Mainly, because I am feeling wiped out - emotionally, physically, mentally, financially... you name it. And yet - a part of me truly believes that I just need to give in and accept that this is truly part of the process. I'm all right with this; it's just kind of, well, a drag.

Plus side: I started at my new site, officially, today. LOVE it. Everyone, so far, is amazing. Very welcoming. My new preceptor, "Dee", is introducing me to everyone (docs, nursing staff, random folks walking through the hallway...) as "the student midwife who we're trying to convince to stay here with us as a second midwife with our doctors & I". I so want to be that midwife, and am trying not to get my hopes up, but if there was a wishing well in front of me right now, and I had a penny to toss in, do you think you could guess what my wish would be?? (I won't tell, of course... but if you guessed, well, anyway...)

Not so plus side: I'm exhausted. I think I already alluded to that above. I started trying to type this post almost an hour ago, and keep getting distracted. Like, for example, I wanted a cute little pic to post with this (because honestly, doesn't a sweet picture make everything easier to read??) -- that took forever. Stupid picnik.com and it's stupidness. Also, we stayed overnight at this hunting cabin my grandparents have (I actually love it - it's very remote, quiet, and peaceful --- and a *tad* closer to my new clinical site as well --- but, there's always a but, right?) I got NO sleep. Like, very, very little sleep. A combination of woodtick paranoia (if you live anywhere that ticks are prevalent, you know what I'm talking about - nasty little creepy crawly vampire things - I had the heebie-jeebies ALL NIGHT LONG thinking they were stuck on me), not having the migraine-preventative med that I usually take at bedtime (which has a convenient side effect of zonking me out nicely), a less-than comfy air mattress, and first-day jitters (will my alarm go off? will I make it in on time? etc), all added up for a loooong night and weird dreams. I dreamt that I was living in a strange apartment building --- I think it was early 20th century, yet there was an odd open-air elevator to get up to the upper floors; very odd, in fact, in that you wrapped yourself around what was basically a fireman's pole and held on for dear life as you shot up it. If you let go ---- not good. I was doing okay until, all of a sudden, I was almost at the top and realized my arms were very tired, slippery, and I just didn't think I could hold on; plus, I realized I also had another "tier" to go (apparently, somehow, to get to my "level" I had to switch poles?! Very ... odd...). So that was one unsettling dream. Another involved the cottage we were at; we were apparently taking turns sleeping (in the dream) and someone - my older brother, I think, looked out the door all of a sudden and someone had jumped in one of our vehicles and taken off out of the blue. (There was much more to this dream, when I woke up --- at the time, it was very vivid and I meant to share it with the Warm One... but being that it was 0530, I decided to let him sleep, and know the details have faded. Anyway, it was another disturbingly vivid dream, I guess.)

I think, what this all boils down to, is that I need a good night's sleep. But,instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour (10 p.m. or so) as I had planned, it's almost midnight and I'm just deciding to call this blog post a night. It's nowhere near what I had planned to write (is there anything about nurse-midwifery, really?? Not much!!), but it's good enough. Suffice it to say - I feel stressed; I need to work more so that I can pay my bills, yet I need to get through clinicals so I can graduate. I also need to study more so I feel less anxiety about upcoming boards, comps, etc. I also need to work on family stuff - or maybe let it go; a close family member is dealing with heavy stuff (addiction) and I don't know how to help him. And yet.... I think it's all going to be okay....

(and, big cheers to my CKC'ers --- one just got married, one just passed comps, and one is on her way to CB!! Jaeger all around!!)

Whichever way the wind blows...

... may be the path that I will take.

I haven't blogged in a while. Almost two weeks, in fact. (Crazy!) Not that much has happened in those two weeks, to tell you the truth. Looking back, what exactly have I been doing that has kept me away from blogger.com??

I...

dealtwithtwosickkidsandonesickhusband*hadasitevisitwithmyRCC*boughtfartoomuchgasandtookmanytripsbackandforthtomyclinicalsite

*workedalittlebitandgotpaidforwhatseemedlikeevenless*wastedtoomuchtime*caughtthreebabiestwogirlsandoneboyIthinkorwasittwoboysandonegirl*hadanawfuldayatclinicalandfeltaboutaninchandfiveeighthstallwhenIreceivedsomehardtohearbutprobablynecessarycriticismfromtheMidwife*pretendedthatmyeyeswerejustredandwateryandthatIwasn'tbawlingatclinicalsforthatsamereason*foundapossiblysuspicousbutmostlikelybenignbreastlumporcystwhiledoinganannualexam*amwaitingsomewhatimpatientlyformyownmissingmensesalthoughitcan'tbetoofarremovedasmyBCis99.8%effective*hadsomelongnightsoflittlesleepduetothelittlerMiniwhodoesn'tseemtoenjoysleepinginherownbed*beenstrugglingwiththedilemmaofwhetherto"holdback"theolderMinianextrayearin4Keventhoughsheisacadmicallyperfectjustincrediblyteensyandabitshy*madeitthroughValentine'sDay*passedthehalfwaypointofmyclinicalhourstally*droppedofftaxeswiththeaccountantsinceIhaveNOideahowtodothemmyself*caughtanunofficialbabyatwork(hey,hey,hewasLOA!)*attendedagrantwritingclassandtossedaroundtheideaofstartingajointCNM/CPMbirthcentersomemore*splurgedonanewAndroidcellphonesinceminestartedhavingseizures*taughtchildbirthclass*managedtogotobedonenightat8p.m.andsleepuntil10a.m.mostlyuninterrupted(thankyouWarmOne!!)*hadalovelymassage&scheduledahaircut,highlight,andbrowwaxwhichIWILLkeep*gotthegoodnewsthatagoodfriendhadasuccessfulVBACofa~gorgeous~babyboy*senthappythoughtstootherfriendswhoneedthem*avoidedhomeworkbutmadeateensybitofprogressonmy"big"paper*mayhavelosta$20billsomewherebutI'msuresomeonewhoreallyneededitfoundit*hadlunchwithanawesomefriend*hadsomeveryvividdreamsandwonderedwhattheymeant*learnedmoreaboutmygreatgreatgreatgrandma...didIevertellyouthatshewasamidwifeinthe"old"country(Germany"??)*learnedthatILOVEpecanbarsfromthisrestaurant/bakerynearmyclinicalsite...heaven!*justrealizedhowtiredisuddenlyam...

Does this count as flight of ideas?

"The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind." ~Bob Dylan