The labor of sitting...

I'm sitting here, fingers numb and skin goose-pimpled, with my mind forced to wander aimlessly between the usual time wasters --- Facebook, annoying yet addictive games, checking email. The same sorts of things that I would (to be honest I have to admit this) find myself doing if I was at home right now ... Except I'm not.

And, of course, my eyes flit (as moths to a flame) neurotically to The Machine. Or, rather, Machines, as they are spaced strategically throughout the Birthing Center so that even if one tried desperately to avoid glimpsing them, it would be nearly inevitable. The Machine dictates the majority of nursing decisions it seems, often causing panic among providers not even involved with a patient's care; the ability to see everything that's occurring within a woman's womb from meters and meters away can cause a flurry of activity and a rush of footsteps to a laboring woman's bedside. At times this may be helpful - at other times, privacy is invaded, quiet moments of solitude shattered, and situations being managed calmly and appropriately are elevated to unnecessary proportions of stress.

So... I try to consciously remind myself to focus my attention away from The Machine. I'll let the screen-saver take over. I'll read, I'll eat (oh dear, considering the table laden with holiday treats), I'll train these fingers in my newly budding crochet skills.

Or - I'll look over there again... Log back in...

And then glimpse at the clock (another Device of far too much consequence in this situation). There's a curve to be followed, although to be fair we fell off of that curve long ago. I don't mind - progress is progress, though slow but steady - although the whispers that provide The Machines and Devices may have other thoughts on this. Is it time to consult? Insert some sort of additional tube or device (even though this mama has just about every other tube and line you could imagine already...)?

My mind wanders to the peaceful, joyful announcements of my midwife sisters delivering in birth centers and homes: "a baby girl, delivered strong and healthy after a long, hard day's work into her mama's strong arms" ... "After many hours of dancing, swaying, and support a baby boy welcomed into her fathers hands..." I can only wonder, is the emphasis on Machines and Devices at these birth days, or on mamas and babies?

{ { pregnant ----- very pregnant ---- pause... } }

A day later, a conclusion. Two hours of pushing, tears and four-letter words of frustration later - a big, beautiful baby was cradled into *her* mama's arms. Even with the reassuring picture The Machine showed for every one of those 68,220 seconds (roughly) of the day's work, hands rushed to pull a stunned but transitioning babe quickly from her mother's breast. A steady heartbeat, response to stimulation and mama soothed me that babe -- though initially wide-eyed and breathless -- needed not to be "cut and run" (to the warmer to be "checked out") but rather allowed to remain with cord intact, pulsing oxygen-rich blood to her strongly-beating heart as she opened her lungs and breathed in new life.

But - again - slave to Devices and cowerer of those who oversee them, I am freshly new enough in my role to not want to step on too many toes, piss off the "wrong" types of nurses, get "that" reputation. I  bring young babe to mama's chest, (hopefully, or certainly tried to...) soothed with quiet reassurance of her strong heartbeat and response to a rubdown by the nurse. The cord stayed intact, babe with mom gaining tone and crying lustily, before I fumbled a cord clamp on and gave a tearful dad instructions to cut the tough bond between the double clamps, and finally seeing the break for baby to be removed for "the things we do".

It was not the labor or birth that I imagine my midwife sisters in other settings witnessing... But in the same thread, not the same mama, the same support system, the same overhead model of care either. I long for the "just sit on your hands!" keep-out-of-where-you-don't-belong MOA that I've been taught, and yet haven't quite built up the courage to implement it in practice here. In the months and years to come, maybe there WILL be more tea, more swaying, more breathing and back rubs and foot massages; fewer epidurals and elective inductions, less fear if the "what if's".

And  - maybe - smaller clocks...

Long time gone...

Hey, nice to see ya! Where've you been?!  Oh, wait, I guess maybe it's where I been, eh?

So, needless to say, this post is loooooong overdue.  I think this blog's last posting was somewhere around, oh, six months ago?  Huh.  I guess it's been a busy half-year.  Since our last rendevous, old friend, I've packed up and picked up everything to move half a days drive away, officially gaining entry into the world of a practicing (and paid!!!) nurse-midwife, and gloriously helped a powerful mama pull her newest into her arms, standing alongside her bed... (my first out-of-bed birth - woohoo!). I've said goodbye to so many friends --- and in a heartbreaking moment that doesn't end, to my baby brother, standing alongside each of my family members as we realize the swiftness with which goodbye can be missed; I've lain awake at night and struggled with my own internal guilt, fears, remorse, anxieties - both professional and personal.  I worry about meeting the expectations of my clinic administrators, meeting the needs of my clients, about being thorough yet not over-ordering or falling behind; I fret about when the golden hospital privileges will finally be mine, how stressed my partners are in the meantime while they await that day and how tiring it must be to have to back me up until then.

And, of course - I yawn, I drag, I sleep only halfway 98% of the time, hoping/not hoping my pager will go off... if it does, if that next mama's water finally breaks, it will be one more babe closer to independent privileges and a bit of relief for everyone all around (but if it doesn't, of course, it means a bit more sleep for everyone on the home front.) Officially, I'm on call something like four nights a week - but unofficially I've been sleeping with my pager under my pillow just about 24/7 since starting in April - or at least since getting permission to get near hospital patients a month or two ago. It doesn't beep at me often ... yet I still dream that it does, or that it did and I slept through it, or that the batteries died and someone's been frantically trying to find me, yadda yadda....

Oh, but the catches - the sweet, slippery, lovely babes!  (Really, isn't that what it's all about??) When it's down to that moment, the rest of the stress, the worrying, the anxiety melts away.  Until, that is, the hemorrhaging afterwards... or the placenta sticks... or mama passes out later on.... you know, those sorts of things....  But the catch itself, usually, is a rush!
 
I pledge, from this point forward, to stay more loyal to this blog.And I hope you'll stay here, too.  Like any good things, any journey worth taking, it may be a long road, but hopefully worth the travel....

My "birthingway" necklace ... or "mamalove" necklace... or "I Catch" necklace" ... or ??? 
(I'm open to suggestions!) ... for every babe, a bead <3 

 

North by North West...

That - is the question.

At the end of the last post, I alluded to some internal conflict between the two sites where I recently had interviews. The first site, dibbed "North", is located about 5-6 hours from where my family has always called home. It's got quite a few things going for it; the pay is nice (relatively - I don't know what the other nurse-midwives that graduated in my peer group are being paid, for the most part, but the rough starting pay I was quoted for this position is about what I was expecting based on my searches for this area). The site is also a HRSA (Health Resource Service Administration) designated site, and the position is eligible for loan reimbursement --- which means that by committing to work in the role for at least two years, I would say buh-bye to a nice chunk of my student loans (and by working a third year, one more of those big ole monkeys would also take a hike... leaving me just about free and clear on the loan front). My partner would be a midwife who developed the nurse-midwifery practice at the site ten years ago, and has worked to build a great relationship with the handful of family practice doctors who she works alongside (by the way, I LOVE family practice doctors - not such a fan of OB's --- most likely because I simply have worked with very few, but also what I have heard of them hasn't been so favorable...). The main clinic at this site is located in a rural area and is very full-service, offering clients a range of services from x-ray and lab to WIC and massage; the practice also has a secondary site in a large city about 30 minutes away, with limited services (but just as vital care for recipients in the urban area). Call would be shared, possibly 2-2.5 days a week and 1 weekend a month (with an estimated 50 births annually); clinic would be 4 days a week split between the two clinic sites. After visiting "North" --- I felt good, confident, ready to go. I had a strong feeling that I was going to be offered the position, and that I would probably take it.

But. (That "but" is always there, now, isn't it?) In the days that followed our return from our visit, a few things nagged at me. At the end of my visit with the midwife at "North", I asked a few questions (thankfully) regarding the specifics of her midwifery practice. Did she feel that she did a lot of inductions? (She felt like she actually probably did more than she should... red flag?! red flag!! Her rationale? She did take days off - understandable, since she was a solo midwife and had been for the past 10+ years; she stated that she did offer induction at times to her patients before she went on vacation. Hmmm. So - on one hand, this seemed OK. On the other... something to ponder.) What about continuous monitoring versus intermittent? (Answer: If a woman specifically wanted to be off the monitors, she was good with that - but if there was no preference either way, she didn't push for intermittent monitoring either... ???!!? Rationale for this one --- The nursing staff tended to be low, and this made IA difficult to impossible at times. The unit did have telemetry, so continuous monitoring didn't necessarily =/= a patient that was stuck in bed --- but then again, MY unit also has a telemetry unit... which sucks. As much as I'd like to say telemetry means a patient can labor while ambulating, or in the shower, or on the toilet or squatting or standing on her head --- not necessarily. Especially if she's on continuous EFM for nursing/provider convenience in the first place. S0 - another thing to ponder. While again I can understand the reasoning behind using EFM versus the additional time necessary to IA --- and am glad she had that explanation rather than that she needed the security blanket of the paper/electronic strip to ensure babe was doing all right --- I still get nervous at the idea of having hours and hours of paper strips staring at the nurse... and resident... and whoever looks at them and starts seeing oogie-boogie monsters in the shadows of innocent variability or the occasional benign decel.) Those were the two biggies on my "hmmm" list... From just a facility point of view, it would take a while to get used to LDRP's that are half the size of the ones at "my" rural critical access hospital, some of which have shared bathrooms. And residents (I've never worked with residents in my life - they seem like a whole different species!). And - while I won't say specifically which states, I will say that "North" is in a neighboring state which has a longstanding, sometimes vicious football rivalry with our NFL football team. And the Warm One is a diehard football fan.

So there are at least a handful of things that "stick", if that makes sense. Not that I'm not seriously considering things --- it's just not 100%, yet...

And then - there's "West". I flew out there last week and fell in love. I texted the Warm One immediately (or maybe it was after dinner with the midwives - either way, I hadn't been there long) and emphatically told him that I would cry if I didn't get the position. Throughout the course of my two days with the midwives at the "West" practice, my position on the area and their care philosophy didn't change. At all. I want to go there. The town where this practice is located? Beautiful. It's twice the size of the small town I live in; I'm a small town girl, so I can handle that. Their practice? Gorgeous. Clinic exam rooms that are spacious, with huge, full-sized "beds" (seriously, I have no other way to describe them) covered in pillows created for expectant mothers to lounge --- alongside big brothers and sisters, or dads-to-be as well --- and chat, listen to that precious heartbeat, and learn. Beautiful birth-inspired, earthy artwork everywhere. No sterile white walls or ugly, plain paintings meant to be aesthetically neutral. All of my questions - "Do you induce a lot?" "How do you feel about VBAC's?" "Are you open to a new grad?" - are met with just the right answers ... yes, inductions are necessary sometimes --- but not just 'because'! And they do VBAC's, and waterbirths, and LOVE students. It's amazing just to pick up the calm, reassuring vibes as they answer questions - to picture these two women as mentors is mindblowing. The call/clinic schedule is specifically geared to give each of the three midwives a rejuvenating period frequently; at least once every three weeks, each midwife gets a 5-day off stretch (that is, five STRAIGHT DAYS OFF in a row. Heaven. No clinic, no call, nothing, for five days.). Clinic and call are intermixed, often with stretches of 3 days off in a row as well. As one of the midwives stated, "When we are on-call, we usually work hard (the group of three midwives delivers between 250-300 babies annually) - but when we're off, we also 'rest hard'." I can dig that. To be able to serve my patients AND my family? Awesome-sauce. And the hospital is about 2-2.5 larger than 'my' OB unit --- so larger, but not as large as "North"; the nurses were great, and loved the midwives. Downfalls? Cost of living! To find a house under $200k may be impossible, and we would have to trade in one of our cars for an AWD or four-wheel drive; the pay "West" is also significantly ($10-$15k - ish) less than "North", with 2 weeks less vacation time and likely less benefits in other areas, particularly no loan forgiveness. Big things the Warm One is concerned about. And, of course, being a plane ride away from Home. Where the hearts are.

Speaking of home.... And hearts. It's a hard thought to think of leaving everyone that I/we love behind us. As much as I always suck at returning messages, emails, phone calls, etc --- it's even harder with all of this going on. Part of me wants to ignore that any of this is happening - that any changes are coming - but to do that it also means ignoring any references to change. Whether we go "North" or "West" ... or anywhere else ... it hurts. And it's scary. But it will be okay, too.

For the time being, I'm waiting for a phone call. A phone call from "West" could be making a decision that we go that way - throwing caution to the wind and hoping that the cost of living will balance out - or the other way. Or, perhaps, no call, but a "thank you, but no thank you" letter (as they did have two other candidates yet to interview...) leading us "North" ...

~*~*~*

In the meantime, I'm content to be back on the edge of that abyss, arms wide open, and leaning in, knowing that wherever the fall leads, I will land gently...

Opening

That last post? It was the darkening before the dawn... the cold, bitter rains of March right before springs first tentative blooms poke through the thawing ground... the tensing of every last muscle, stressed, fearful, fatigued -- and then a loved one's arms are there to encircle and release it all to the universe itself.

Do I need to step back a mile or three? Maybe that would help...

From a career/baby-catching standpoint - you could say that the last post was somewhat colored by the sludginess I've felt in my job search. (Which, in itself --- seems somewhat silly... I didn't expect to come out of school with a job in hand, as nice as it would have been. But still - now that it's been five months, I'm getting a little antsy...) Every day that I go without that delightful weight sliding into my hands, without gifting mothers with the words "here's your beautiful child" ... it weighs on me. Sure - I can still go to work as an L&D nurse; I can still whisper forbidden encouragement into the ears of hardworking mama's ("go ahead... eat some crackers... nibble on that granola bar..." ), but it's not the same. The mothers, the fathers - they know I am the nurse; they have only just met me, and even if we have "clicked" and even if they can sense that I am there for them and their babe --- I am still, just, the nurse.

I've sent resumes, CV's, emails of inquiry. I've had an ongoing email chain, complete with an powerpoint proposal, to the physician group that I've worked with for the past five and a half years - a handful of great family doctors who practice this close to the midwifery model of care. Throughout my clinical rotation with Dee, there was the shadow of a promise of her practice adding a second CNM. Nothing. Zipzilchzerozuess. "My" doctors decided that while they felt there would be interest in a CNM in our area, they feared "there would not be enough demand for a full-time position". A few attempts to get in touch with Dee (after a promising email before the holidays that her administrator was going to start the process to try to get the wheels going...) weren't returned. A promising position - complete with loan forgiveness via the HRSA program - seemed very likely and suddenly... *poof*! Que sera, sera.

But. On top of this, I live in the Midwest. In winter. A gray, long, cold Midwestern winter. The task of looking for a job - refreshing the same search engines, day after day (many times multiple times daily) - combined with more and more student loan payments being auto-debited as the days stayed devoid of sunshine ... you get the picture. Little by little, negativity begins to replace the fresh enthusiasm of graduation; did I really just sacrifice three arduous years and an incredible sum of blood/sweat/tears/trees/memories/etc (not to mention indebtness to the good old Department of Education/Loan Repayment Program), only to continue to work very part-time as a labor and delivery nurse?! Am I undesirable as a CNM?? Is there something that screams "don't hire this girl, for pete's sake!!" on my resume? Do I need to eat more chocolate - will that help??

So - anyway. It was a long couple of weeks, and maybe that post reflected some of that. In the end, I resigned myself -- or liberated myself -- to the old "letting go, and letting God" (or the Creating, or the Universe, or destiny, or karma, or what have you... I'm not entirely sure, myself) take over.

And - it worked.

Not long afterwards, I heard back from the site that seemed like it could be the "perfect" fit (we'll call that site "North" for the sake of, well, easy-ness). It turned out the midwife's mother had been ill and unfortunately passed away; that had prolonged the interview process, but ultimately within the next week or so I spoke with the midwife and HR folks, and set up a time to go up and meet them all in person and tour the site. I also sent a CV to a second site - this one a private midwife practice out west (we'll call this one "West" for those of you following along), and had some nice back-and-forth communications with them via email. After my first Skype interview (interesting enough), I was invited to fly out there and meet them in person as well. Both visits/meetings went great, and now I sit with one likely offer (from "North", pending the approval of one final committee) and a call back next week from "West", where there were still 2-3 other applicants to be interviewed.

My dilemma may or may not be solved by next week's call by "West" ... but that's another post!

The Abyss

I waver between two different realities. One, I stand on the edge of a total, all-encompassing darkness. My bare skin is chilled - goosebumped - but invigorated. Behind me is all I know, everything familiar, the things that have always been. In front of me is... what? Nothing? The steep, sudden chasm at my toes should frighten me, yet I feel nothing but an overwhelming sense of calm now; that fear - fear that should envelope my entire self - has vanished along with the light from this space. I know that to step off could end everything - but it could also be the beginning of everything. With the slightest step into the unknown I will open my wings and fly to the place of my dreams, or simply land where I'm meant to be: a pillow of soft clouds, the waiting arms of a One who created me, or the place of my family's future. A soft wind's push, a strong legged-leap, a quick stumble... any of these things would move me on, and yet - I pause at the edge of the question marks beyond.

Then there's the second place; the place where the Fear lurks. Down a constricted, narrow earthen tube - barely wide enough to descend, long enough to make the late afternoon light little more than a tarnished penny above - lies the insignificant yet crucial room. Constructed of thick steel, lined in double layers of thick and splintering wood, barely larger than a bathroom stall (and certainly less than five feet tall)... it smothers, it suffocates, it shrieks. Time stands still at the same moments that it races by; in the silence of the box, the deafening darkness threatens me with insanity. I stand at this fissure, knowing the only way to complete this journey - to pass this test - is to descend the long ladder downward, to endure my time inside with my Fear, and fight my way back up and through the long, tight passage back... and I struggle, I fight. I know I can do it, and I know I should do it - go down, do my time, and emerge victoriously, proud of my dirt and raw, rubbed skin; I know the struggle is the true origin of my Fear.

~*~*~*~*~*~

And yet - I still stand here, at the edges. Aquiver.

Will work for Food...

Seriously, I will... I certainly have a bit of a love affair with food. Especially this time of year, with the county fair in town: cream puffs, beer-battered cheese curds, funnel cakes.... Oh, my poor achin' arteries.

And summer. I love summer too. (Can it seriously be Labor Day already?! I want to cry! I do *not* do well with winter... sigh...) Anyway.... this blog has clearly been neglected for the past month or so. Oops.

I've been a little busy, to be fair. Since the last time we met, I scratched off each and every last clinical hour and visit I needed to meet the requirements of my program, as well as having a "declaration of safety" submitted by Dee (signifying that she feels I am a safe, beginning-level practitioner); one of my biggest feats was taking - and passing - the first of the last 3 big tests standing between myself and midwifery. I'm engaged, descended, and flexed - now on to finishing the rest of these cardinal movements, little by little...

(was that too corny?!)

From a personal standpoint, things have also been busy. Family life has been hectic as always, with ups and downs. My bigger-Mini started Kindergarten (!) last week, which seems incredible; I still remember the moment she was laid in my arms and the immense feelings of wonder and

awe I felt to be a mother to such a wondrous little being; my Mini-er is beginning preschool this week (and memories of her labor, and birth, are even more vivid; the moments in the shower, visualizing her path down to birth, and the moment when the Warm One proclaimed her as a "little girl"... so clear!). Harder to work through these past weeks have been the continuing struggles with my brother and his own battles (battles which he alone can fight, but that as a family we have been trying to find ways to support him in...), the diagnosis of Lyme's disease in my father, and acute, aggressive leukemia in my grandfather. It's painful and exhausting to see the toll, both physical and emotional, that's accumulated across the family lines in the past weeks and months; through hopes, prayers, and support (and communication), I'm waiting for a strengthening of the bonds that hold us together.

But, back to the "Work" thought that started this whole rambling... I'm starting to think more seriously about jobs again. (It's getting to be time, I suppose. I have one more "school" test - the competency/completion exam, after which I am officially a graduate nurse-midwife, and the final step is the national certification exam). I've realized, after doing a phone interview or two over the past few months - mind you I haven't interviewed in years! - that I need to brush up on my interviewing skills. I thought maybe I'd toss out a few random, jarbled thoughts on here, if nothing else, to help myself sort out a little more about myself (you know how they - "they" being interviewers, of course - always ask about your strengths/weaknesses, what you would like to improve on, etc...)

About Me...

* I'm not there yet, but I'll be there soon!

* I don't drink coffee... but I anticipate that I will start to do so soon...

* I run habitually late (not much, but just enough to be a few minutes late...)

* But - see above - I'm reliably late those few minutes!

* I learn by doing, not by reading/listening

* I'm quiet - but only for so long. I will open up (you may be sorry....)

* I do have a sarcastic streak... and a good sense of humor!

* I may hold back a bit at first - let my confidence build, and I will shine.

* I trust women, their bodies, their intuition, and their abilities.

* I am a very dedicated, motivated employee.

* I can't even come up with enough to write here! Man, I better hire myself out to a farm or

something instead....

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

It's seriously 99 degrees outside, with a heat index (whatever that is) another 10-15 degrees hotter. Wooooohooo. Swimming sounds amazing, no!?

At least in a symbolic sense (or a Finding Nemo sense), that's what I'm doing. I'm not sinking, I'm not thrashing wildly trying to get through these last few weeks of clinicals, and I'm doing more - at least, I think so - than just treading water. The end is in sight! I've just crossed the 600 hr mark (out of 675 required hours) of clinical experience; most of my numbers are met or very close. "Dee" keeps throwing this hope-rope to me about submitting a proposal to her administrators to add another midwife to her practice; several of her doctors are on board and supportive. I am so comfortable working with Dee, and with the women she sees - I think we are both praying that things work out and they (administration, that is) agree that expanding her midwifery practice would be beneficial all around. I also just had a phone interview - or at least, a short chat - with a midwife from another midwifery practice about an hour and a half from my home... it was encouraging and again gave me hope for a job opportunity in the near future.

So, while I'm trying desperately not to get too excited about any of these possibilities - and trust me, I really want to get excited... how great would it be to stay within an hour or so of our families?? - it does allow me to drift into the occasional daydream. House hunting... comparing elementary schools... thinking about future vacations and scheduling considerations... and, oh yeah, maybe a paycheck! (This whole "9 months of clinicals and little working" thing has really, really hurt our finances... I think anyone who's been in this spot can commiserate!)

Two more weeks - give or take - of clinicals; one more assignment (a client journal that I should have had done long ago, but had to start all over after the abrupt change in clinical sites); several uber-important tests. It's not that much, especially considering how far I've come this far - but when I look at it that way, it can easily overwhelm me. So, instead --- I'll just keep swimming.

(And, on a side-note, I'll keep looking forward to the end of September, when I will hopefully be an official nurse-midwife, and celebrating in Punta Cana...)

Hey! Can It Be?

Can I actually be back in the clinical saddle again? The wild ride continues, apparently... a month after my short stint on the western side of the state (only catching babies - no clinic), and almost four months after parting ways with the Midwife, it looks like I might finally be "good to go" with "Dee" (hopefully a psuedonym I'll remember!), my new preceptor. The wait to start at this site has been such a long, drawn-out struggle... even though everything seems to be ready and in place for me to start this last leg of my clinical journey on Wednesday, I'm still hesitant to really believe it. There have been so many false starts: way back in March, it looked like I would be able to start building up hours with Dee in early April, after she returned from a short medical leave; after weeks and weeks with no communication, it turned out that somehow my paperwork had been lost among the administration team, pushing the process back further. Then, gradually it was May... and now June...

Luckily, the short voyage across the state last month did much to re-energize me and to remind me why I'm doing this all in the first place (although I feel like my clinical skills and knowledge are going to be awfully cobwebby once I finally break my way back into the clinic); my daughters tossing off comments without a second thought - "Mama, when you were a little girl you were like us, but then you grew up and started to catch babies all the time!" - like it's always been this way, only cements that feeling even more.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Which, of course, leads to the next step in the journey. If (when) I ever get through this step - clinicals, that is - and if (when) I manage to pass both comps and boards (an overwhelmingly terrifying prospect) ... then what?! The job market for a CNM in my area is bleak. As in - none. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I've been following several CNM search engines --- GetMidwifeJobs.com; the job listings on ACNM's website, the listings on my school's forums, etc. I've sent resumes, cover letters, and CV's to anyone and everyone, to every job that looked remotely interesting; to Alaska, New York, and AZ. With no calls, no emails, nothing. Kind of depressing, to be honest... but I haven't been very aggressive myself - you know? I still have 170 clinical hours, and up until this week, no idea when I would get those hours going.

Out of the blue, though, I got a call this week from a physician in Maryland; we had a nice, 20 minute chat (after I hung up on him initially - oops, the drags of living in the rural Midwest) and I was left with a bit of hope and interest in what could come from the talk. Could I do Maryland? Pro's - Adventure, ocean nearby, change of pace... a job. Con's - Moving across the country, no family anywhere (some days that might be a slight pro... slightly), higher cost of living... and apparently it's a very 'un-rural' area. Not so good, since I have a feeling I might get kind of antsy surrounded by city/urban folk... maybe. (Although living around here in a cardboard box, with loan papers coming in the mail on a daily basis, might making me kind of antsy too - especially when the snow starts flying...)

I hate to even post this here, since a tiny part of me (okay, a good-sized part of me) is superstitious - but when I met with Dee last week, she also gave me a glimmer of hope for a potential position at her site. (This site is about 45 miles from my current home; it's within the same healthcare system I currently work for, and while it would have its own set of pro's/con's to consider, staying within the area would be a huge "pro". ) So, after talking more with her this week, maybe - hopefully - I'll be able to expand on this more...

Fading...

sweet slick violet crown...

coaxed smoothly to the crisp light

growing dreams, hope, love

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

the last baby i caught was on march 1st... today is april 8th. (it seems as though it's been so much longer since i've been blessed with a catch, but as i type this - i know that's right; i remember it very vividly!). as i completed my clinical journey with the Midwife, i knew that there would be a period of time when i wouldn't be seeing women and men transformed into mothers and fathers... and i was (or thought i was) okay with that. a few weeks... i could handle that, right?!

well, at first - all was fine. no biggie. the first week, i think, was Mini #1's "spring break" (really, they have that for pre-K - i kid you not). so, we chilled out, did some family things, and i de-compressed; it was just what i needed after a few really stressful weeks. the next week, i caught up on a forum post or two that i HAD to get in. and then - suddenly - (okay, not suddenly at all - i had all term, and most of you know this, right?!) it was crunch-time and i had to finish The Paper. so, that kept me occupied for the last week and a half or so of March. and i got it done, with flying colors (thanks be to whoever you praise).

but - now that's all done. and this nagging feeling, that's kind of been popping up here and there in the past five or six weeks - is back with a major vengeance. i feel unemployed; i feel like i am sitting around, doing nothing, being a lazy, useless pile o' rubbish. i haven't been less than a full-time student and/or worked less than full-time since, well.... i can't even say when. i mean, it's been a long time, folks. (and i'm not saying this just because i'm pretty sure i'm getting a touch of dementia --- i really am used to working at least 1-2 jobs, going to school, etc, at a crack). sure, i'm still working right now - but i'm a 0.3 FTE. which means - 1 or 2 shifts a week. and - i AM perpetually lazy, which means if i can get "low-census" (i.e. things are slow in baby-world, so they don't need all the scheduled 2 or 3 nurses...) --- i'll often take it, out of habit.

i think i am annoying the "new" midwife to pieces - i've emailed her a few times over the past couple of weeks (mind you, i believe she is just coming back from a medical leave)... but i really, really, REALLY want to get started with her. i'm also starting to get a little anxiety prone. like, i have 260 hrs to go of clinical, and i need (want? should?) to be done by the end of june to be done for this 'term'... if i don't get going very soon, i don't see how i'm going to get all of those hours in. i'm trying so very hard to be patient, but i just w a n n n n a G O O O!!!

it's times like this, that i really could use a little xanax... or a big glass of wine... or gerard butler... *sigh* (for example - my anxiety? see how i'm typing in all lowercase? telltale sign...)

and mostly ---- i just want to get my hands on some babies! *pout* (well, and meet their mama's, too, of course... that really does add a little something to the experience...)

Birth Story: Nella Cordelia

Have you read Nella Cordelia's birth story? If not, please do (have a box of kleenex handy - fair warning!) http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

(thanks to At Your Cervix for sharing this link)

Withdrawal

Six days. That's how long it's been since I've had one. To some of you, it might not seem like that long, but god, it sucks! I almost, almost had one yesterday - but I didn't.

I don't know if it's good or bad that I kept my hands off it yesterday. It was SO close - but I held myself back.

I'm dreaming of them; driving to work and clinical, I fantasize about how to get one. How to excuse myself out of the office, for that very reason... In the office, I do anything I can (within reason, of course!) to "help" make it more likely...

(Is this bad?)

All right, all right... the good news is, if nothing else - we have two inductions scheduled Friday morning so I WILL get my hands on one of those long-sought guilty pleasures then. If the multip - who has been so desperately waiting for labor for the past three weeks, and whose membranes I "stripped" a few days ago, hoping it might nudge labor on - hasn't naturally kicked in by then, I think hers will be the first lustily-crying babe I'll get my hands on. I think he'll (we don't know if it's a boy or girl, but I'm banking on boy parts) be a pretty good size kiddo, but she'll do well: her heart will fill with a new love for her child that she allows my hands to catch - such an awesome feeling!

Otherwise, besides the dreams and intense desire to catch one --- no jitters or other symptoms, so I guess my withdrawal isn't as severe as it initially seems. But - just in case... send some baby-vibes this way, please!

~*~*~*~*~*~

The Cost of CNEP Clinicals

So, I finally decided to pop out a calculator and figure out just how much in lost wages this whole clinical thing is costing me. Between clinging, sad kiddos and a dwindling checkbook, I finally admitted to myself that I was having some pretty severe withdrawal from my life as well as the slippery babes. I was shocked, though, to realize just how much we've 'lost' since I cut waaaay back on working to try to plow through clinicals... see below (I won't tell you exactly how much I make, I'm just going to toss out $25/hr as an "average" rate for a newer RN working in a hospital setting in a low cost-of-living area... sound fair?) . So - CNEP program length is 675 hours total...

675 x $25 = $16,875

Holy Bejesus Batman! I knew it would be a lot... but I wasn't expecting that much (I really, really suck at math). Yikes!

And, of course, this nice chunk of change doesn't include mileage/gas costs - I am commuting right around an hour each way to my clinical site, usually 4 days a week, so averaging probably $80-90/wk in gas - or tuition/schooling costs (I want to say this is about $2800 each term, or around $8400 total, give or take, for the three terms of clinical that I will have). Last - and definitely not least - there is the time away from my family and "life"... there is no way to put a price on this, but hopefully, will be a small sacrifice that will be forgiven once time passes.

On Blogging

This is a little off-topic, but worth the keystrokes. In the past week or so, I have been amazed at the wealth of perspectives out there via blogs and sites dedicated to birth and women's reproductive rights! (If you hadn't noticed, I've lagged a bit on this whole networking thing - it's about time that I caught up, eh?!) The whole blog-roll thing, where you can "add" your favorite blogs and see when they add a new post, right on your own page? Genius! And - even better - the blog rolls on those blogs, which lets you peek (and piggyback onto) at other awesome, relevant blogs, since oftentimes you have similar interests.

Yesterday, I was fascinated reading about anterior lips (really, they aren't so bad at all!) on Midwife Thinking's blog (read it here... please! http://midwifethinking.com/ I'm so glad I did, especially since we had a persistent, stubborn one last night - long story, I couldn't "help" with it, but... I so wanted to after reading this blog!)

I also was sucked into Stand and Deliver's blog. (It started off innocently enough with a journey into some relief measures for sinus troubles - hello, Neti pot!) but then I clicked on an older post - "Birth Around the World, My Alien Baby" is a title that kind of grabs your eye, I guess" (http://rixarixa.blogspot.com/2011/01/birth-around-world-my-alien-baby.html) and was hooked. A great birth story shared by one of Stand and Deliver's blog readers, it was the reader's own birth (her mother birthed her in Azerbaijan) and then the story of her own daughter (which, of course, didn't go exactly as planned). Beautiful writing, and a poignant message. Today's posting (http://rixarixa.blogspot.com/2011/01/birth-around-world-vbac-in-tajikistan.html) was similarly heart-hitting - another in her "Birth Around the World" series... I'm loving them, and the perspective they provide those of us just starting out and feeling like we are sheltered in the "same old, same old."

And, of course, there are the "thank god for you!" bloggers -- the ones that I know are right there with me. The student-midwives (or students in general), or new nurse-midwives, who are starting to feel their way through the paths of being "with woman". When so much rests in your hands, it's so comforting to know that there are others out there feeling the same things (a little anxiety, a bit of fear, much joy, love, excitement, trepidation, confusion, and all of the other feelings in the spectrum from here to there) on a daily - and hourly - basis. Life of a Student-Nurse Midwife, With Woman The First Year, Rainbows and Pony Rides, At Your Cervix, and all of the others that I hope to find as time goes on... this ones for us!