Fading...

sweet slick violet crown...

coaxed smoothly to the crisp light

growing dreams, hope, love

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

the last baby i caught was on march 1st... today is april 8th. (it seems as though it's been so much longer since i've been blessed with a catch, but as i type this - i know that's right; i remember it very vividly!). as i completed my clinical journey with the Midwife, i knew that there would be a period of time when i wouldn't be seeing women and men transformed into mothers and fathers... and i was (or thought i was) okay with that. a few weeks... i could handle that, right?!

well, at first - all was fine. no biggie. the first week, i think, was Mini #1's "spring break" (really, they have that for pre-K - i kid you not). so, we chilled out, did some family things, and i de-compressed; it was just what i needed after a few really stressful weeks. the next week, i caught up on a forum post or two that i HAD to get in. and then - suddenly - (okay, not suddenly at all - i had all term, and most of you know this, right?!) it was crunch-time and i had to finish The Paper. so, that kept me occupied for the last week and a half or so of March. and i got it done, with flying colors (thanks be to whoever you praise).

but - now that's all done. and this nagging feeling, that's kind of been popping up here and there in the past five or six weeks - is back with a major vengeance. i feel unemployed; i feel like i am sitting around, doing nothing, being a lazy, useless pile o' rubbish. i haven't been less than a full-time student and/or worked less than full-time since, well.... i can't even say when. i mean, it's been a long time, folks. (and i'm not saying this just because i'm pretty sure i'm getting a touch of dementia --- i really am used to working at least 1-2 jobs, going to school, etc, at a crack). sure, i'm still working right now - but i'm a 0.3 FTE. which means - 1 or 2 shifts a week. and - i AM perpetually lazy, which means if i can get "low-census" (i.e. things are slow in baby-world, so they don't need all the scheduled 2 or 3 nurses...) --- i'll often take it, out of habit.

i think i am annoying the "new" midwife to pieces - i've emailed her a few times over the past couple of weeks (mind you, i believe she is just coming back from a medical leave)... but i really, really, REALLY want to get started with her. i'm also starting to get a little anxiety prone. like, i have 260 hrs to go of clinical, and i need (want? should?) to be done by the end of june to be done for this 'term'... if i don't get going very soon, i don't see how i'm going to get all of those hours in. i'm trying so very hard to be patient, but i just w a n n n n a G O O O!!!

it's times like this, that i really could use a little xanax... or a big glass of wine... or gerard butler... *sigh* (for example - my anxiety? see how i'm typing in all lowercase? telltale sign...)

and mostly ---- i just want to get my hands on some babies! *pout* (well, and meet their mama's, too, of course... that really does add a little something to the experience...)

Long time, no see...

It's been 19 days since I had a delicious delivery, and it's hurting. In some ways, it seems like longer, but in others --- it's not so bad. The time with my family, to catch up on sleep, and to get a few other things that have been dearly lacking (car maintenance, bills, etc) back on track... two thumbs up. Missing the lovely women and experiences of twos becoming threes and families adding extras... not so much.

To keep this short and sweet (and I'll tell you why in two short, evil words: the Paper), I'm gonna to limit myself to exactly two minutes of typing, no more. It's 2038 right now, so by the time my computer hits 2040, I'm publishing this post as is*. (I might however sneak back and add a pic to pretty it up, I do reserve that right.) **I totally lied, it's now 2059 & I am just hitting the submit button. Oh, well... you'll see why...

Anyway, on the 'professional' side - hoping to start my next leg of the clinical journey at another nearby site within the next few weeks. This midwife that I am hoping to work with is much more "my" style, from what I know of her. I am very much excited to work with her, and my fingers, toes, and possibly even fallopian tubes (maybe not - that seems as though that might not be so good?!) are crossed that it works it. Stay tuned!

On the personal side... recently I had the bittersweet pleasure of working with a beautiful family who had the painful loss of their baby shortly after the midpoint of their pregnancy. The loss wasn't expected, but wasn't necessarily a surprise either; going into the pregnancy, there were certain risk factors that they knew increased the risk for stillbirth and/or preterm birth. The grace and strength at which they accepted their child's short life, introducing their older child to his angel sibling and then saying goodbye, warmed my heart. I only hope that I was able to help in the grieving process, or at least communicate the value and appreciation that we all have for the sweet little life that they have had and are remembering. One service that I always forget the name of in these (thankfully rare) situations - and always wish that I could remember, but can't until later - is the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/home/) , which is a non-profit group of professional photographers that is dedicated to help families who have experienced an early pregnancy (after 25 weeks or so, according to their site) or neonatal death. Though we do take pictures of our babes, they in no way can compare with the beautiful gift that this foundation can offer to their parents.

To all the angel babies, and families who are missing them... you are loved, and not forgotten...

Drinking, Resting, and Breathing.

That's all I'm going to do for a while, on the advice of someone I consider to be a friend and a kind of spiritual advisor (she's a pastor, but for some reason, that title seems awkward to me...?). Anyway, her wise words: "Drink lots of water, get lots of rest, and just breathe."

It seems like a good strategy, and the kind words - said at the perfect time, by someone whom I have only had a handful of actual face-to-face conversations with - touched me. Like all of the supportive comments to my blog posts, all of the "likes" and thoughts (both heartfelt and sassy) on my Facebook statuses, all of the texts, emails, and walls posts from friends reaching out to me - it was enough to bring tears to my eyes and warm fuzzies through the rest of me. I'm not someone who has ever had a lot of close friends; usually, I have one or two very close friends that I confide everything to, and then a handful of acquaintances. To have so many people that I feel like are there for me, is an overwhelmingly touching feeling.

Today was officially my last day with the Midwife. As expected, it was bittersweet; now that I am home, starting to unwind and draw closer to my bed, I am becoming more at ease and even relieved. It was time. The Midwife and I finally had a good - not great, but at least a better - talk as I was saying goodbye. We did not, by far, clear up many of our miscommunications - but I think maybe, just maybe, things were at least left on a fair note.

As a student nurse-midwife, I feel like it was a good time to leave this site. The last birth that I attended was beautiful; the couple was strong, dedicated, and so in tune to the birth process and their baby, through the many curve-balls that labor and birth through their way. They were "my" type of client: they chose the Midwife because they wanted a Midwife-attended, natural, low-intervention birth. It was a joy to be with them as they became a family of three and welcomed their sweet daughter into the world, exhausted yet exhilarated. They gifted me with another blessing as I said goodbye, with kind words towards me as a SNM as well as words from another past client.

I wish the Midwife the best; I know that she is dealing with stresses in her life, and I hope that peace and calm descends to her.

For me - it's going to be a lot of just drinking, resting, and breathing.

And ... the Paper.