Opening

That last post? It was the darkening before the dawn... the cold, bitter rains of March right before springs first tentative blooms poke through the thawing ground... the tensing of every last muscle, stressed, fearful, fatigued -- and then a loved one's arms are there to encircle and release it all to the universe itself.

Do I need to step back a mile or three? Maybe that would help...

From a career/baby-catching standpoint - you could say that the last post was somewhat colored by the sludginess I've felt in my job search. (Which, in itself --- seems somewhat silly... I didn't expect to come out of school with a job in hand, as nice as it would have been. But still - now that it's been five months, I'm getting a little antsy...) Every day that I go without that delightful weight sliding into my hands, without gifting mothers with the words "here's your beautiful child" ... it weighs on me. Sure - I can still go to work as an L&D nurse; I can still whisper forbidden encouragement into the ears of hardworking mama's ("go ahead... eat some crackers... nibble on that granola bar..." ), but it's not the same. The mothers, the fathers - they know I am the nurse; they have only just met me, and even if we have "clicked" and even if they can sense that I am there for them and their babe --- I am still, just, the nurse.

I've sent resumes, CV's, emails of inquiry. I've had an ongoing email chain, complete with an powerpoint proposal, to the physician group that I've worked with for the past five and a half years - a handful of great family doctors who practice this close to the midwifery model of care. Throughout my clinical rotation with Dee, there was the shadow of a promise of her practice adding a second CNM. Nothing. Zipzilchzerozuess. "My" doctors decided that while they felt there would be interest in a CNM in our area, they feared "there would not be enough demand for a full-time position". A few attempts to get in touch with Dee (after a promising email before the holidays that her administrator was going to start the process to try to get the wheels going...) weren't returned. A promising position - complete with loan forgiveness via the HRSA program - seemed very likely and suddenly... *poof*! Que sera, sera.

But. On top of this, I live in the Midwest. In winter. A gray, long, cold Midwestern winter. The task of looking for a job - refreshing the same search engines, day after day (many times multiple times daily) - combined with more and more student loan payments being auto-debited as the days stayed devoid of sunshine ... you get the picture. Little by little, negativity begins to replace the fresh enthusiasm of graduation; did I really just sacrifice three arduous years and an incredible sum of blood/sweat/tears/trees/memories/etc (not to mention indebtness to the good old Department of Education/Loan Repayment Program), only to continue to work very part-time as a labor and delivery nurse?! Am I undesirable as a CNM?? Is there something that screams "don't hire this girl, for pete's sake!!" on my resume? Do I need to eat more chocolate - will that help??

So - anyway. It was a long couple of weeks, and maybe that post reflected some of that. In the end, I resigned myself -- or liberated myself -- to the old "letting go, and letting God" (or the Creating, or the Universe, or destiny, or karma, or what have you... I'm not entirely sure, myself) take over.

And - it worked.

Not long afterwards, I heard back from the site that seemed like it could be the "perfect" fit (we'll call that site "North" for the sake of, well, easy-ness). It turned out the midwife's mother had been ill and unfortunately passed away; that had prolonged the interview process, but ultimately within the next week or so I spoke with the midwife and HR folks, and set up a time to go up and meet them all in person and tour the site. I also sent a CV to a second site - this one a private midwife practice out west (we'll call this one "West" for those of you following along), and had some nice back-and-forth communications with them via email. After my first Skype interview (interesting enough), I was invited to fly out there and meet them in person as well. Both visits/meetings went great, and now I sit with one likely offer (from "North", pending the approval of one final committee) and a call back next week from "West", where there were still 2-3 other applicants to be interviewed.

My dilemma may or may not be solved by next week's call by "West" ... but that's another post!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year... ~ Or ~ When Things Look Bleak (But Aren't Really That Bad, Right?)

A happy and blessed Christmahanukwanzakah and New Year to all! Pardon my hacking as I make it through the six weeks of dust being knocked off the blog as I start typing through this post *blush* ... (I guess it's been a while. Oops.)

Where've I been? Bouncing between the new-found freedom that comes with ((drumroll please)) no more schooling, the excitement of two Mini's and impending snowflakes and thoughts of Christmas time, and the gnawing concern that my baby-catching days are becoming further distant with each day that passes with no job opportunity at hand.

(Now, this post isn't meant to be a mopey, woe-is-me sort of thing... what fun is that?? As you may have gathered from previous ramblings, it may just lazily wander around this topic and - hopefully - come to some sort of resolution by the end. Over the past week or two, these thoughts have built into a strong mental blizzard, worrying at me like a six-year-old wiggling a loose tooth. It's amazing, though, how cathartic putting such thoughts out into the universe can be... I'm looking forward to that sense of peace that I know I'll find after hitting "publish" and sharing this with the world, even if no one actually reads this blog any more.)

Anyway - back on track. No time for anxiety or worrying too much about the job situation in the first weeks of December; our family celebrates Christmas, so between the holiday preparations themselves (taking the Mini's out to my dad's to find the 'perfect' tree, then trimming the tree and decorating the house, etc) as well as holiday concerts for both girls, cookie baking, the traditional trips to see the big red man, and all the other festivities, I was content to wait. (As of the first of December, I had contact with both Dee and the physicians I work with considering adding a CNM; I also had an interview lined up for a part-time CNM position at a family planning clinic...) It was only after all of the "fun" ended - including the last-minute shopping runs, an unexpected slippery couple of inches of snow (pretty to give us at least a bit of a white Christmas, festivily enough --- but oh-how-slick!), and a surprise attack of fevers, aches, and slug-mimicking for the Mini-est - that everything caught me. And by everything, I mean everything. I realized that just about ALL of my student loans were suddenly coming into repayment (which, considering I have not only my graduate school loans to repay, but also those for my ADN-to-BSN bridge program, and my ADN program, and the assortment of loans I had as I was waiting to get into a program... it sucks. Did I ever tell you the story of how it took me six years to get my 2-year associate degree, by the way? Good times, good times....). My student loans, and the Christmas bills (which, of course we tried to go low, we ALWAYS do... but isn't this how it is every year?! Suddenly *someone's* favorite team is selling 'stock' - which by the way is non-transferable and pays no dividends, but does look good on the wall... and who else owns a piece of America's team, right? - and this other thing is on the best, most SPECTACULAR, *AwEsOmEsT* SALE EVER!!! so it needs to be bought now... but if s/he gets that, then of course this one needs this, and yadda yadda.... Oh hey, isn't this Brazil?! How'd we get so far off track here, and can I even use these sweet new snowshoes south of the equator? Where's that map?!) are coming in, and no one was as excited with the gifts that I worked so hard to get *just right* for them, and I was exhausted, and my schedule at work wasn't right and I ended up bawling like a baby because I was exhausted when I saw it to begin with (and I HATE crying, especially when I'm upset/angry/trying to discuss something...) and why was I on a night shift to begin with on Christmas Eve night - my holiday is Christmas Eve, evening, arrrgh?!? and it was just the longest week ever.... and so on, and so on.

And it just kept going. And the family planning job, that I thought I had interviewed fabulously for, apparently was a big bomb. Was it exactly the perfect job I wanted, and was I a wonderful candidate who interviewed like a rockstar? Uh, not so much probably - but on the other hand, I thought I was pretty good and would (all in all) fit in well and enjoy the job. The biggest downside, of course, was the no-baby-catching. My biggest downside - I thought - was that in my typical fashion (ha, ha, pun ahead!) I neglected to actually try on an outfit for the interview until 11:30 p.m. the night before, and the outfit I planned to wear - a sweet little black and teensy, thin blue pin-striped suit... - had somehow gotten a couple of sizes too big (!%@^*), leaving me flustered in the wee a.m. hours trying to decide if I would try to pull it off with some sort of cinching (sans belt loops, of course) or go a little more casual. Anyway, it's starting to look like we're in the tropics again here, so I'm going to leave the interview territory and my fashion deficiencies (for proof of my fashion sense, see right), and go back to my other worries now.

I was assured that I would hear back in about a week about the position, and truly did expect to; the clinic had been short-staffed for awhile, they needed help, all the signals I picked up were a 'go'. I waited... and waited... and waited... (and sent a 'thank you' email...) and waited some more... and nothing. No "thanks, but no thanks" call, no polite "we've gone another way" rejection letter, nada.

I've also just been hanging with both of the nearby clinics; I emailed Dee a few days ago, gently hinting that I'd love any updates if she had any from her clinic administrator (who had started the process of checking into adding another CNM around the end of November, and had thought she would know more one way or the other in three weeks...). Checking my email neurotically - the one where messages from either Dee or my current physician group would contact me - doesn't seem to be doing much more than giving me little blisters, so I'm at a loss. It seems to be a fine line between being pushy, persistent, and the perfect amount of persuasive... it's just so difficult to read where things are at.

At this point, honestly, I'd just love to not be in this no-man's land. If all three (really, just the clinic groups - I've more or less written off the family planning clinic, although I may call the director just to touch base) facilities would just give me an answer, one way or the other --- I'd be happy, even if it's not the answer I really want to hear.

Even working as an RN in L&D is getting to be a struggle now. It's difficult to not step on toes, and to remember my scope of practice... and I miss being the midwife, making the calls, being able to do (and not do - or to be able to say, "we're not going to do this - we don't have to do this, everything is fine.") ... or if a baby is coming too quickly for the physician to make it, having to try to stay back and have another nurse 'catch', or have a mama try to not push --- one of the worst feelings in the world, and not good for mama or baby --- to provide the assurance needed to everyone that I wasn't trying to "take matters into my own hands" on some level. Awkward, awkward....

Soooooo, about the IHS.... 23 pages of application for *possible* loan reimbursement, if funds are ever available? Oh heck, why not. What else do I have to do???

And what goes around... (on depression and stress, too)

As they say.

Ebb and flow, yin and yang, yadda yadda. After my little meltdown Friday, things eventually lightened up. (If you've followed the blog at all, or know me, I'm sure you know this is nothing new... or maybe this isn't just me personally, but something that is a natural phenomenon of this thing called life. Maybe it's not unique to mothers, or women, or grad school, or th

ose of us who deal with depression. Maybe it is. Does it matter? Not really.)

Anyway. I posted a similar cry for help, bemoaning my situation on Facebook; basically, that the Warm One was at work, I was at the end of my rope with the girls and had no idea what happened to my patience, and the end of the weekend (the Warm One works a weekend program - Fri/Sat/Sun only, therefore leaving the girls and I to our own devices all weekend) seemed ages away. I was desperate.

And out of nowhere, a good friend came to my rescue. She invited the girls and I over, to visit, to play, to stay. It took us hours and hours to get moving and get packed, but eventually, we got there. She opened her home to us, the girls played (she has a daughter the same age as the Mini-est), and we were able to catch up. We spent Saturday together, just hanging out. Was I the most fun and exciting person to be around? No - but I hope I was a better mother and friend than I felt like I had been earlier that week. Little by little, I am crawling out of this miserable, stress-filled hole.

Before the girls and I left, I managed to pull myself up out of my funk enough to send a copy of my resume/cover letter to the physicians I work with as a labor/delivery nurse, simply to introduce the idea of adding a nurse-midwife to their practice (I've been hoping to have the 'right' moment to talk to some of them about this over the past year or so, but it just hasn't happened); I also emailed my nurse-manager to touch base. My fingers are crossed - even though my breath is far from held - that good things could grow from this tiny seed being planted.

The Warm One also came home last night and shared that another doctor, an incredibly sweet family physician working for a nearby tribal clinic, had asked where I was at with my job hunt; she mentioned that the tribal clinic had been trying to fill an open physician spot for the past year, and she was willing to bring up my name at the next physician's meeting to see what the interest there would be. Again, fingers crossed... I've worked at another nearby tribal health organization in the past, and love working with Native populations. The culture and history, combined with the deep relationships between families, make it a community I would be honored to be invited to work within. (I've requested information from the IHS about their loan repayment program, but have yet to complete the application process; it's on my radar as yet another thought...)

*And, if nothing else - this again cements to me the fact that I cannot - at least at this point in my life - function without antidepressants. I know that there are many different viewpoints on this and whether or not medication is something that is "right" or "necessary" but until I have one or two fewer things going on ... I can't let myself - and my family - go down this road. It never fails that when I manage to go without taking the pills for a short period of time - whether because I fail to get a refill in a timely manner, or because I miss one or two, and then tell myself I still feel "great!" - I find myself in a similar murky fog within a matter of days or a week. Someday, I will be able to truly dedicate the time to find other positive

lifestyle changes to experiment against this headgame, but as for now... I'm gonna take the easy way. I need to be able to accept sweet love notes from the Mini and appreciate them; I need to be able to have patience with my girls when they are being kids, instead of being over-anxious and stressed... I can't see the confusion and hurt in their eyes when they look to me for comfort, and don't get it; this parenting thing is hard. I feel like I hardly see the Mini's lately... and when I do, they're not my sweet little girls anymore! They don't listen... they're sassy... they fight. I don't know if it's a stage, or if it's related to not seeing me, or if it's how it's always been (and I'm just seeing things differently because I'm stressed), or if their actions are feeding off of me, or ...?!

Mama Needs a Time-Out

Seriously.

Whatever happened to TGIF?! So much for Friday, I guess... whatever optimism and good vibes I had going into the earlier part of this week somehow dissipated as the week rolled on. In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, while I was gearing up for the clinical week - I usually do clinicals with Dee Weds/Thurs/Fri - I woke up with a killer migraine. (I've had migraines since I was four or five ... nothing new there. They've probably been in the best control of my life for the past year or two, actually; I've found a daily preventative med that seems to help, and for the first time ever, I've found an abortive that seems to actually knock them down when they do kick in. Score. But - that being said - I do still get the occasional nasty f*@!er, but never, or rarely, has one ever woken me in the middle of the night before... so this one sucked!) I did my best to get through the day Wednesday with Dee, but even after taking my abortive, and all my usual knocker-outers, I had nothing and had to leave early ---- which I hated doing. After a few hours of solid rest and a combination of narcotic, another abortive, heat/ice, and some topical cream to my neck/shoulders/etc (which by the way was not a good idea - more on that later), I was somewhat coherent again.

Unfortunately, the arthritis cream that I picked up to rub onto my neck/shoulders/temple (similar to what I usually use, but a different brand... I can't even think of what I picked up that day) was awful. Whether it was the intended effect or not, it caused my skin to feel as though it was on fire - my palms, my shoulders, and my neck raged at me the entire afternoon, evening, and next day, even after scrubbing in an attempt to relieve the sensation. And, of course, smart cookie that I am, I slipped my contacts out (and then tried to replace them the next morning) with residue apparently still remaining. Good gracious golly. Not only was I living in the migraine hangover, I was also fairly certain I was close to blind...

Then, when I got out to my car --- I found it egged. What. The. ... Seriously. Of course, as usual, I didn't have any spare time (why would I?! Any of you who know me, know that I don't generally run with spare time...) to rinse the gook off, much less for a real car wash. Okay, so it was only one egg (or maybe two) on the driver's side door and window, but for the love of mud --- why?! I really, really was NOT in the mood and, as I'm sure you can imagine, would have had some not-so-pleasant things to say to whoever thought sharing their breakfast fare with my vehicle was a good idea.

The rest of the week has pretty much continued as such. Though I am sooooo close to the end of my necessary clinical hours - T-minus 66 and counting - I've hardly knocked any off this week, thanks to the lovely migraine and having to cut out of clinicals early yesterday (Thursday) as I was scheduled to work in Babyland.

So it's been a non-productive, miserable-feeling, blah kind of week. Oh, and that "other" position that I was excited about? I had a phone interview Wednesday evening, post-migraine... I thought it went all right, even though it didn't sound like my "dream" position by any means; while I didn't expect to get hired as they disclosed on the phone that they were doing a second interview for a previous applicant the next day, it still stung today when I received an email telling me that my "career goals didn't appear to be a fit" for the position, and thanking me anyway. Ouch. I guess it just is a downer, all around, even though I had more or less decided that I wasn't all that interested... *sigh*

To top it off, I'm finally home, getting to spend some time with my family --- and my lovely young ladies are not listening to me, I'm incredibly crabby and cranky with them, and I just don't have any patience for them, for myself, or for anything. I don't like how I feel, how I'm reacting to them, or anything at all. In desperation, after too much hollering after too much whining, I sent them to separate rooms for extended time-outs --- but really, deep down, I'm the one who needs the time-out.

Our Strength

I've been thinking about strength today. Mainly, because I am feeling wiped out - emotionally, physically, mentally, financially... you name it. And yet - a part of me truly believes that I just need to give in and accept that this is truly part of the process. I'm all right with this; it's just kind of, well, a drag.

Plus side: I started at my new site, officially, today. LOVE it. Everyone, so far, is amazing. Very welcoming. My new preceptor, "Dee", is introducing me to everyone (docs, nursing staff, random folks walking through the hallway...) as "the student midwife who we're trying to convince to stay here with us as a second midwife with our doctors & I". I so want to be that midwife, and am trying not to get my hopes up, but if there was a wishing well in front of me right now, and I had a penny to toss in, do you think you could guess what my wish would be?? (I won't tell, of course... but if you guessed, well, anyway...)

Not so plus side: I'm exhausted. I think I already alluded to that above. I started trying to type this post almost an hour ago, and keep getting distracted. Like, for example, I wanted a cute little pic to post with this (because honestly, doesn't a sweet picture make everything easier to read??) -- that took forever. Stupid picnik.com and it's stupidness. Also, we stayed overnight at this hunting cabin my grandparents have (I actually love it - it's very remote, quiet, and peaceful --- and a *tad* closer to my new clinical site as well --- but, there's always a but, right?) I got NO sleep. Like, very, very little sleep. A combination of woodtick paranoia (if you live anywhere that ticks are prevalent, you know what I'm talking about - nasty little creepy crawly vampire things - I had the heebie-jeebies ALL NIGHT LONG thinking they were stuck on me), not having the migraine-preventative med that I usually take at bedtime (which has a convenient side effect of zonking me out nicely), a less-than comfy air mattress, and first-day jitters (will my alarm go off? will I make it in on time? etc), all added up for a loooong night and weird dreams. I dreamt that I was living in a strange apartment building --- I think it was early 20th century, yet there was an odd open-air elevator to get up to the upper floors; very odd, in fact, in that you wrapped yourself around what was basically a fireman's pole and held on for dear life as you shot up it. If you let go ---- not good. I was doing okay until, all of a sudden, I was almost at the top and realized my arms were very tired, slippery, and I just didn't think I could hold on; plus, I realized I also had another "tier" to go (apparently, somehow, to get to my "level" I had to switch poles?! Very ... odd...). So that was one unsettling dream. Another involved the cottage we were at; we were apparently taking turns sleeping (in the dream) and someone - my older brother, I think, looked out the door all of a sudden and someone had jumped in one of our vehicles and taken off out of the blue. (There was much more to this dream, when I woke up --- at the time, it was very vivid and I meant to share it with the Warm One... but being that it was 0530, I decided to let him sleep, and know the details have faded. Anyway, it was another disturbingly vivid dream, I guess.)

I think, what this all boils down to, is that I need a good night's sleep. But,instead of going to bed at a reasonable hour (10 p.m. or so) as I had planned, it's almost midnight and I'm just deciding to call this blog post a night. It's nowhere near what I had planned to write (is there anything about nurse-midwifery, really?? Not much!!), but it's good enough. Suffice it to say - I feel stressed; I need to work more so that I can pay my bills, yet I need to get through clinicals so I can graduate. I also need to study more so I feel less anxiety about upcoming boards, comps, etc. I also need to work on family stuff - or maybe let it go; a close family member is dealing with heavy stuff (addiction) and I don't know how to help him. And yet.... I think it's all going to be okay....

(and, big cheers to my CKC'ers --- one just got married, one just passed comps, and one is on her way to CB!! Jaeger all around!!)

Unfinished Business

"A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one." ~Rita Mae Brown

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As the days roll on and my birth experiences seem further distant, I realize there are quite a few loose ends that I need to wrap up. I have yet to hear from the 'new' midwife... I wonder, sometimes, if things will fall into place when I take care of the leftover details from my last rotation.

So, on my to-do list today, I plan to pen thank you notes for both the Midwife and her wonderful nurse; I'm going to run these to the clinic and drop them off, as well as small gifts of appreciation for both of them. (I hope this doesn't come off as suck-upish --- does it? Oh, well... it just seems to be the polite thing to do... maybe I'll pick up cookies for the rest of the MA's, etc, too.) I still regret that I never said goodbye to the Midwife's MA, but needless to say, as I walked by her on my way out of the office on that last day - it wasn't the time... she was in conversation with a few other nurses, and I was red-eyed and a mess.

I also have another small package to send off, but that one will have to wait until I find the address I need; this one, too, goes to someone who I feel badly that I didn't follow up with, and who I thought really was wonderful.

Finally, I need to decide if I'm going to give up on the 'new' midwife and desperately hunt for another site. After six weeks of no-baby, no-mama --- I just don't know. I don't like this feeling at all. I feel unemployed, lazy, useless, rejected. The old feelings of paranoia are starting to creep in. Is the 'new' midwife trying to tell me something? Maybe she changed her mind about working with me... but is trying to drop hints by ignoring me long enough that I just go away...

*sob*

(right before I posted, my advisor/faculty "RCC" called me back and we came up with a plan --- I emailed another potential midwife, and she is going to try to call the 'new' midwife to touch base... *sigh*. stay tuned...)

Fading...

sweet slick violet crown...

coaxed smoothly to the crisp light

growing dreams, hope, love

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

the last baby i caught was on march 1st... today is april 8th. (it seems as though it's been so much longer since i've been blessed with a catch, but as i type this - i know that's right; i remember it very vividly!). as i completed my clinical journey with the Midwife, i knew that there would be a period of time when i wouldn't be seeing women and men transformed into mothers and fathers... and i was (or thought i was) okay with that. a few weeks... i could handle that, right?!

well, at first - all was fine. no biggie. the first week, i think, was Mini #1's "spring break" (really, they have that for pre-K - i kid you not). so, we chilled out, did some family things, and i de-compressed; it was just what i needed after a few really stressful weeks. the next week, i caught up on a forum post or two that i HAD to get in. and then - suddenly - (okay, not suddenly at all - i had all term, and most of you know this, right?!) it was crunch-time and i had to finish The Paper. so, that kept me occupied for the last week and a half or so of March. and i got it done, with flying colors (thanks be to whoever you praise).

but - now that's all done. and this nagging feeling, that's kind of been popping up here and there in the past five or six weeks - is back with a major vengeance. i feel unemployed; i feel like i am sitting around, doing nothing, being a lazy, useless pile o' rubbish. i haven't been less than a full-time student and/or worked less than full-time since, well.... i can't even say when. i mean, it's been a long time, folks. (and i'm not saying this just because i'm pretty sure i'm getting a touch of dementia --- i really am used to working at least 1-2 jobs, going to school, etc, at a crack). sure, i'm still working right now - but i'm a 0.3 FTE. which means - 1 or 2 shifts a week. and - i AM perpetually lazy, which means if i can get "low-census" (i.e. things are slow in baby-world, so they don't need all the scheduled 2 or 3 nurses...) --- i'll often take it, out of habit.

i think i am annoying the "new" midwife to pieces - i've emailed her a few times over the past couple of weeks (mind you, i believe she is just coming back from a medical leave)... but i really, really, REALLY want to get started with her. i'm also starting to get a little anxiety prone. like, i have 260 hrs to go of clinical, and i need (want? should?) to be done by the end of june to be done for this 'term'... if i don't get going very soon, i don't see how i'm going to get all of those hours in. i'm trying so very hard to be patient, but i just w a n n n n a G O O O!!!

it's times like this, that i really could use a little xanax... or a big glass of wine... or gerard butler... *sigh* (for example - my anxiety? see how i'm typing in all lowercase? telltale sign...)

and mostly ---- i just want to get my hands on some babies! *pout* (well, and meet their mama's, too, of course... that really does add a little something to the experience...)

I'm scared to death.

Period. End of story.

I thought maybe if I said it (typed it?), it would make me feel better, or at least feel something different - but I am still scared sh*tless, to be perfectly frank. Within six short months (god willing), I'm going to complete my clinicals, work on passing comps, and take my boards. And then, I'll officially be able to call myself a midwife in front of clients - something I've been feeling for months now (or even longer).

And that, dear anyone-who-may-or-may-not-be... almost paralyzes me some days. I am a terrible, awful student. I procrastinate, I get distracted, I prioritize poorly. I don't know when exactly this happened - I used to rock in high school - but at some point over the past few years (maybe once my brain cells started being killed off by motherhood?), my attention span has decreased. Somehow my remaining brain cells get overloaded, and everything I have studied flies out the window - things that I know, that I can explain frontwards, backwards, and upside down. But when it comes to spitting them out for an exam, or off the top of my head for a professor, spur-of-the-moment? Hello, pee-in-my-pants-because-I-got-nothin'! Not. Good.

Don't get me wrong - I'm working on this. (I like to think that I'm smart enough to realize that I can't be successful and still have this HUGE crater in my path). I've talked to other students, I've had study groups. I've gone to counseling. I've got awesome support from the Warm One. Some of my family recognizes how hard this is (full time grad school + working 20ish hours a week + family), others don't... but that's all right. And, I've got the Bears. (More about the Bears later on)

So, most days, I can work through the fear, and I'm good. But. There are other days.

Like, the days when I realize that, holy shit, I need to basically learn (or at least very, very deeply review every SINGLE thing I have learned since starting grad school - not to mention a very good portion of what I learned in my associate's nursing program) in the next few months. Some days - when the Bears are closing in, and I've forgotten to avoid the crater in my path - I let myself get anxious and (again) horrified, realizing that I never really learned even the basics of anatomy and physiology. Autonomic nervous system? What's that do again? Tell me more about the parasympathetic stuff, again... Oh, f*@#!

And then there's meds - I learned them enough, for long enough, to get through at the time. (Or at least - again - that's what it feels like). What's a beta blocker for, again? Double f*@#.

The basis for EVERYTHING I have learned, and need to know, is built on an awful shaky foundation (at least in my own mind). I have been flying by the seat of my pants for the past five years, milking the "fake it till you make it" mantra for all it's worth... but something tells me that as a provider, that won't cut it.

Or, the days where I remember deliveries I've seen as a nurse: moms who come in, with no risk factors whatever. Spontaneous labor, or just something "not feeling right". Baby hasn't been moving as much as usual, a little bit of unusual discharge or bleeding, sharp pains... whatever it may be, or nothing at all. Perfectly normal pregnancies - and then, when the fetal heart tones are doppled or monitored --- a "bad baby" is seen immediately, a crash c-section is called, and a little boy or girl, pulled out a thick, dark meconium is worked on in a curtained nursery for a long, long time by nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, and finally the NICU team that has flown in. Or, maybe it's a baby that looked fine throughout labor - a nice, normal, happy vaginal birth - and then with no warning, baby just doesn't transition after birth, needs help breathing, and help is an on-call doctor or an ambulance ride away (which, of course, seems like days and days with a baby that isn't breathing).

Or, the days when a baby is suddenly no longer there. Or is found to have an abnormality non-compatible with life. Or anything that will be very, very difficult to share with the parents. I am terrified that I won't have the words or the grace to share these moments with the families that need me to, the most...

Please, please, if anyone is out there and has been in this place (specifically or not), please tell me it passes...!

~*~*~*~*~*~

On "The Bears"

This is a technique that was shared with me during a counseling session when I was struggling especially hard with stress and anxiety (thanks, Dave - I hope you don't mind!). I am most certainly paraphrasing the technique, since I don't really remember how it was explained to me... so please 'bear' with me (groan!).

Setting: Wooded area surrounding a small clearing (perhaps a campsite?) with a campfire, simple block bench, etc

The Players: A handful of the Bears (these symbolize Stress/Anxiety/Fear - any negative or bothersome issues - I always picture them as cartoon characters similar to, maybe, "The Far Side" or something?) and You

(We enter the scene with You sitting on the crude bench near the campfire, maybe toasting marshmallows or a hot dog. Something's troubling you - fear? stress? anxiety? - and you realize that the shadows creeping up behind you are actually several large - albeit cartoonish - bears)

Don't Fight the bears - this will only encourage them to come back (and release adrenaline - the 'fight or flight' hormone - in you... leading to more bears --- and more stress/fear/anxiety) and... Don't feed the bears! (I.e. don't let yourself dwell on the anxiety/fear/stress/whatever's bugging you - that will also keep them coming - it also releases adrenaline) Just look 'em in the eye, say, "Hey bears, I see you there, you're right, I am stressed/freaked out/pissed/etc, and it's okay. I'm not going to feed you, and I'm not going to fight you. I'm just going to be."

It may sound silly -- but to me, it was very, very helpful. (And, in fact, as I typed this I realized how very little I've 'practiced' it lately - which can't be helping the topic of this posting.) On a side note, the ringer of my cell for a while was Mini #1 saying "Don' feed tha' bear!" - from the Adventures of Winnie the Pooh - for a year or so, which made this technique feel even more 'right' for me... every time I was getting myself worked up, her sweet little voice reminded me not to.