dreams...

As I was on the very, very verge of waking up this morning, I dreamt I was walking into the Midwife's office. We sat down, and faced each other one last time. She looked older, and nervous; almost on the edge of tears, shaky, scared. In fact, much as I felt as I dropped off the thank-you cards and gifts at the office yesterday (I just gave them to the receptionist - I didn't see either the Midwife or her MA, thank goodness... my facebook friends might have seen my status about "so this is what a panic attack feels like" - that was the emotional/physical storm I found myself in as I approached the elevator). But, anyway, even in my dream state - these changes surprised me. Why was she so anxious? It touched me. The dream was short... but the message clear. She stumbled through the single statement she made to me, asking me, "Is there anything, any pressure, that you think is going to hold you back from being successful in your next area of practice?"

My dream self just sat, thinking carefully of the best way to answer. There was none of the anxiety or self-doubt that filled my last days before, simply a feeling of wanting to give the clearest answer that I knew was my right answer. I don't know if I answered in my dream, or if it was as I was waking up, but it has lingered with me all day: The heaviest pressures that I have dealt with, are the ones I have placed upon myself.

~*~*~*~*~

(later)

I know this is true - and I accept this. Doing so, I promise to myself to let this go, and let myself grow.

Unfinished Business

"A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one." ~Rita Mae Brown

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As the days roll on and my birth experiences seem further distant, I realize there are quite a few loose ends that I need to wrap up. I have yet to hear from the 'new' midwife... I wonder, sometimes, if things will fall into place when I take care of the leftover details from my last rotation.

So, on my to-do list today, I plan to pen thank you notes for both the Midwife and her wonderful nurse; I'm going to run these to the clinic and drop them off, as well as small gifts of appreciation for both of them. (I hope this doesn't come off as suck-upish --- does it? Oh, well... it just seems to be the polite thing to do... maybe I'll pick up cookies for the rest of the MA's, etc, too.) I still regret that I never said goodbye to the Midwife's MA, but needless to say, as I walked by her on my way out of the office on that last day - it wasn't the time... she was in conversation with a few other nurses, and I was red-eyed and a mess.

I also have another small package to send off, but that one will have to wait until I find the address I need; this one, too, goes to someone who I feel badly that I didn't follow up with, and who I thought really was wonderful.

Finally, I need to decide if I'm going to give up on the 'new' midwife and desperately hunt for another site. After six weeks of no-baby, no-mama --- I just don't know. I don't like this feeling at all. I feel unemployed, lazy, useless, rejected. The old feelings of paranoia are starting to creep in. Is the 'new' midwife trying to tell me something? Maybe she changed her mind about working with me... but is trying to drop hints by ignoring me long enough that I just go away...

*sob*

(right before I posted, my advisor/faculty "RCC" called me back and we came up with a plan --- I emailed another potential midwife, and she is going to try to call the 'new' midwife to touch base... *sigh*. stay tuned...)