dreams...

As I was on the very, very verge of waking up this morning, I dreamt I was walking into the Midwife's office. We sat down, and faced each other one last time. She looked older, and nervous; almost on the edge of tears, shaky, scared. In fact, much as I felt as I dropped off the thank-you cards and gifts at the office yesterday (I just gave them to the receptionist - I didn't see either the Midwife or her MA, thank goodness... my facebook friends might have seen my status about "so this is what a panic attack feels like" - that was the emotional/physical storm I found myself in as I approached the elevator). But, anyway, even in my dream state - these changes surprised me. Why was she so anxious? It touched me. The dream was short... but the message clear. She stumbled through the single statement she made to me, asking me, "Is there anything, any pressure, that you think is going to hold you back from being successful in your next area of practice?"

My dream self just sat, thinking carefully of the best way to answer. There was none of the anxiety or self-doubt that filled my last days before, simply a feeling of wanting to give the clearest answer that I knew was my right answer. I don't know if I answered in my dream, or if it was as I was waking up, but it has lingered with me all day: The heaviest pressures that I have dealt with, are the ones I have placed upon myself.

~*~*~*~*~

(later)

I know this is true - and I accept this. Doing so, I promise to myself to let this go, and let myself grow.