Opening

That last post? It was the darkening before the dawn... the cold, bitter rains of March right before springs first tentative blooms poke through the thawing ground... the tensing of every last muscle, stressed, fearful, fatigued -- and then a loved one's arms are there to encircle and release it all to the universe itself.

Do I need to step back a mile or three? Maybe that would help...

From a career/baby-catching standpoint - you could say that the last post was somewhat colored by the sludginess I've felt in my job search. (Which, in itself --- seems somewhat silly... I didn't expect to come out of school with a job in hand, as nice as it would have been. But still - now that it's been five months, I'm getting a little antsy...) Every day that I go without that delightful weight sliding into my hands, without gifting mothers with the words "here's your beautiful child" ... it weighs on me. Sure - I can still go to work as an L&D nurse; I can still whisper forbidden encouragement into the ears of hardworking mama's ("go ahead... eat some crackers... nibble on that granola bar..." ), but it's not the same. The mothers, the fathers - they know I am the nurse; they have only just met me, and even if we have "clicked" and even if they can sense that I am there for them and their babe --- I am still, just, the nurse.

I've sent resumes, CV's, emails of inquiry. I've had an ongoing email chain, complete with an powerpoint proposal, to the physician group that I've worked with for the past five and a half years - a handful of great family doctors who practice this close to the midwifery model of care. Throughout my clinical rotation with Dee, there was the shadow of a promise of her practice adding a second CNM. Nothing. Zipzilchzerozuess. "My" doctors decided that while they felt there would be interest in a CNM in our area, they feared "there would not be enough demand for a full-time position". A few attempts to get in touch with Dee (after a promising email before the holidays that her administrator was going to start the process to try to get the wheels going...) weren't returned. A promising position - complete with loan forgiveness via the HRSA program - seemed very likely and suddenly... *poof*! Que sera, sera.

But. On top of this, I live in the Midwest. In winter. A gray, long, cold Midwestern winter. The task of looking for a job - refreshing the same search engines, day after day (many times multiple times daily) - combined with more and more student loan payments being auto-debited as the days stayed devoid of sunshine ... you get the picture. Little by little, negativity begins to replace the fresh enthusiasm of graduation; did I really just sacrifice three arduous years and an incredible sum of blood/sweat/tears/trees/memories/etc (not to mention indebtness to the good old Department of Education/Loan Repayment Program), only to continue to work very part-time as a labor and delivery nurse?! Am I undesirable as a CNM?? Is there something that screams "don't hire this girl, for pete's sake!!" on my resume? Do I need to eat more chocolate - will that help??

So - anyway. It was a long couple of weeks, and maybe that post reflected some of that. In the end, I resigned myself -- or liberated myself -- to the old "letting go, and letting God" (or the Creating, or the Universe, or destiny, or karma, or what have you... I'm not entirely sure, myself) take over.

And - it worked.

Not long afterwards, I heard back from the site that seemed like it could be the "perfect" fit (we'll call that site "North" for the sake of, well, easy-ness). It turned out the midwife's mother had been ill and unfortunately passed away; that had prolonged the interview process, but ultimately within the next week or so I spoke with the midwife and HR folks, and set up a time to go up and meet them all in person and tour the site. I also sent a CV to a second site - this one a private midwife practice out west (we'll call this one "West" for those of you following along), and had some nice back-and-forth communications with them via email. After my first Skype interview (interesting enough), I was invited to fly out there and meet them in person as well. Both visits/meetings went great, and now I sit with one likely offer (from "North", pending the approval of one final committee) and a call back next week from "West", where there were still 2-3 other applicants to be interviewed.

My dilemma may or may not be solved by next week's call by "West" ... but that's another post!

I have been blessed...

I started to write this post last week, and never got around to finishing it. The title was different, and the whole tone of it - it was a little more playful, with an undercurrent theme that mirrored Tigger's theme from the classic Pooh cartoons (for those of you familiar with Pooh's adventures... and aren't we all??) - was meant to be a light-hearted-yet-deep reflection of the wonderful thing about blessings in life.

And I have. Truly, in so many ways, my life and my family, are lucky. As I (finally) sit down to type this, though, I just don't quite have the same levity as I did a week or so ago when I started composing this in my head. I was going to recite the list of changes that have happened over the past two months (comps, graduation, etc, etc...). Instead, I'm quiet; the Warm One is battling a fierce cold, the Littles are runny-nosed and cranky, and I've passed my boards exam. I am, officially and with no holds barred, a certified nurse-midwife.

The colds will clear up, and the Kleenexes and textbooks (and highlighters and scattered notepages) that have overtaken our home will eventually be cleared away as well. Some will be recycled, or tossed; others may be stored in the office "just in case" - who knows if I'll need that text again, or maybe I'll decide to 'recycle' it to an incoming student?

The other blessings in my life are just as clear: my family, who have been so close and willing to step in whenever needed during this journey. The Midwife, even when things became rocky, was a blessing in disguise; I learned things, personally and as a midwife, that I needed to know, from her. From D, and from all of the women and families along the way. From so many close, wonderful friends - some nearby, and some far away... women who I may never have met in person, and yet who I can (and have) shared so many of my deepest fears and funniest moments; these are my sisters and peers, both fellow students and mothers.

And, of course, the Warm One and the Littles (one of my proudest moments so far? When the Bigger Little 'corrected' the younger, who had thought that "Dimbo's" - Dumbo - mommy was being 'naughty' in the movie. The elder of my daughters explained that Dumbo's mother was upset that the other elephants were being mean to the baby elephant and making fun and picking on him because of his ears; that sometimes mommies had to stand up for their babies. It was a touching conversation for a mother to overhear between a 5 and a 3...)

*~*~*~*~*~*

Some blessings are a little harder to understand... in the months since my last post, my family has been stretched apart, and pulled together in an even stronger way. My grandfather, the "boss" of the family, was diagnosed with an aggressive leukemia just before Labor Day, underwent one round of chemotherapy, and has become progressively weaker since then. After a bout with a massive infection and complications due to the infection and its treatment, hospice - and the care that goes along with it - nurses are a daily reminder of the change. It's so hard to see the difference between the strong, capable man that taught me how to bait a fish hook and tossed hay bales into a barn loft, and the saddened man that cancer has made my grandpa. The thought of saying goodbye - along with the pain of seeing my grandfather this way, as well as how it hurts my grandmother - is only soothed by the idea that the time we are gifted by this allows for storytelling, memories, "I love you's".... my family has been together much more in these past few weeks than in the past years (we've always been close), although I don't know if this outweighs the pain that my grandparents are feeling. At this point, all we can do is "Let go and Let God..."

Will work for Food...

Seriously, I will... I certainly have a bit of a love affair with food. Especially this time of year, with the county fair in town: cream puffs, beer-battered cheese curds, funnel cakes.... Oh, my poor achin' arteries.

And summer. I love summer too. (Can it seriously be Labor Day already?! I want to cry! I do *not* do well with winter... sigh...) Anyway.... this blog has clearly been neglected for the past month or so. Oops.

I've been a little busy, to be fair. Since the last time we met, I scratched off each and every last clinical hour and visit I needed to meet the requirements of my program, as well as having a "declaration of safety" submitted by Dee (signifying that she feels I am a safe, beginning-level practitioner); one of my biggest feats was taking - and passing - the first of the last 3 big tests standing between myself and midwifery. I'm engaged, descended, and flexed - now on to finishing the rest of these cardinal movements, little by little...

(was that too corny?!)

From a personal standpoint, things have also been busy. Family life has been hectic as always, with ups and downs. My bigger-Mini started Kindergarten (!) last week, which seems incredible; I still remember the moment she was laid in my arms and the immense feelings of wonder and

awe I felt to be a mother to such a wondrous little being; my Mini-er is beginning preschool this week (and memories of her labor, and birth, are even more vivid; the moments in the shower, visualizing her path down to birth, and the moment when the Warm One proclaimed her as a "little girl"... so clear!). Harder to work through these past weeks have been the continuing struggles with my brother and his own battles (battles which he alone can fight, but that as a family we have been trying to find ways to support him in...), the diagnosis of Lyme's disease in my father, and acute, aggressive leukemia in my grandfather. It's painful and exhausting to see the toll, both physical and emotional, that's accumulated across the family lines in the past weeks and months; through hopes, prayers, and support (and communication), I'm waiting for a strengthening of the bonds that hold us together.

But, back to the "Work" thought that started this whole rambling... I'm starting to think more seriously about jobs again. (It's getting to be time, I suppose. I have one more "school" test - the competency/completion exam, after which I am officially a graduate nurse-midwife, and the final step is the national certification exam). I've realized, after doing a phone interview or two over the past few months - mind you I haven't interviewed in years! - that I need to brush up on my interviewing skills. I thought maybe I'd toss out a few random, jarbled thoughts on here, if nothing else, to help myself sort out a little more about myself (you know how they - "they" being interviewers, of course - always ask about your strengths/weaknesses, what you would like to improve on, etc...)

About Me...

* I'm not there yet, but I'll be there soon!

* I don't drink coffee... but I anticipate that I will start to do so soon...

* I run habitually late (not much, but just enough to be a few minutes late...)

* But - see above - I'm reliably late those few minutes!

* I learn by doing, not by reading/listening

* I'm quiet - but only for so long. I will open up (you may be sorry....)

* I do have a sarcastic streak... and a good sense of humor!

* I may hold back a bit at first - let my confidence build, and I will shine.

* I trust women, their bodies, their intuition, and their abilities.

* I am a very dedicated, motivated employee.

* I can't even come up with enough to write here! Man, I better hire myself out to a farm or

something instead....

I'm scared to death.

Period. End of story.

I thought maybe if I said it (typed it?), it would make me feel better, or at least feel something different - but I am still scared sh*tless, to be perfectly frank. Within six short months (god willing), I'm going to complete my clinicals, work on passing comps, and take my boards. And then, I'll officially be able to call myself a midwife in front of clients - something I've been feeling for months now (or even longer).

And that, dear anyone-who-may-or-may-not-be... almost paralyzes me some days. I am a terrible, awful student. I procrastinate, I get distracted, I prioritize poorly. I don't know when exactly this happened - I used to rock in high school - but at some point over the past few years (maybe once my brain cells started being killed off by motherhood?), my attention span has decreased. Somehow my remaining brain cells get overloaded, and everything I have studied flies out the window - things that I know, that I can explain frontwards, backwards, and upside down. But when it comes to spitting them out for an exam, or off the top of my head for a professor, spur-of-the-moment? Hello, pee-in-my-pants-because-I-got-nothin'! Not. Good.

Don't get me wrong - I'm working on this. (I like to think that I'm smart enough to realize that I can't be successful and still have this HUGE crater in my path). I've talked to other students, I've had study groups. I've gone to counseling. I've got awesome support from the Warm One. Some of my family recognizes how hard this is (full time grad school + working 20ish hours a week + family), others don't... but that's all right. And, I've got the Bears. (More about the Bears later on)

So, most days, I can work through the fear, and I'm good. But. There are other days.

Like, the days when I realize that, holy shit, I need to basically learn (or at least very, very deeply review every SINGLE thing I have learned since starting grad school - not to mention a very good portion of what I learned in my associate's nursing program) in the next few months. Some days - when the Bears are closing in, and I've forgotten to avoid the crater in my path - I let myself get anxious and (again) horrified, realizing that I never really learned even the basics of anatomy and physiology. Autonomic nervous system? What's that do again? Tell me more about the parasympathetic stuff, again... Oh, f*@#!

And then there's meds - I learned them enough, for long enough, to get through at the time. (Or at least - again - that's what it feels like). What's a beta blocker for, again? Double f*@#.

The basis for EVERYTHING I have learned, and need to know, is built on an awful shaky foundation (at least in my own mind). I have been flying by the seat of my pants for the past five years, milking the "fake it till you make it" mantra for all it's worth... but something tells me that as a provider, that won't cut it.

Or, the days where I remember deliveries I've seen as a nurse: moms who come in, with no risk factors whatever. Spontaneous labor, or just something "not feeling right". Baby hasn't been moving as much as usual, a little bit of unusual discharge or bleeding, sharp pains... whatever it may be, or nothing at all. Perfectly normal pregnancies - and then, when the fetal heart tones are doppled or monitored --- a "bad baby" is seen immediately, a crash c-section is called, and a little boy or girl, pulled out a thick, dark meconium is worked on in a curtained nursery for a long, long time by nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, and finally the NICU team that has flown in. Or, maybe it's a baby that looked fine throughout labor - a nice, normal, happy vaginal birth - and then with no warning, baby just doesn't transition after birth, needs help breathing, and help is an on-call doctor or an ambulance ride away (which, of course, seems like days and days with a baby that isn't breathing).

Or, the days when a baby is suddenly no longer there. Or is found to have an abnormality non-compatible with life. Or anything that will be very, very difficult to share with the parents. I am terrified that I won't have the words or the grace to share these moments with the families that need me to, the most...

Please, please, if anyone is out there and has been in this place (specifically or not), please tell me it passes...!

~*~*~*~*~*~

On "The Bears"

This is a technique that was shared with me during a counseling session when I was struggling especially hard with stress and anxiety (thanks, Dave - I hope you don't mind!). I am most certainly paraphrasing the technique, since I don't really remember how it was explained to me... so please 'bear' with me (groan!).

Setting: Wooded area surrounding a small clearing (perhaps a campsite?) with a campfire, simple block bench, etc

The Players: A handful of the Bears (these symbolize Stress/Anxiety/Fear - any negative or bothersome issues - I always picture them as cartoon characters similar to, maybe, "The Far Side" or something?) and You

(We enter the scene with You sitting on the crude bench near the campfire, maybe toasting marshmallows or a hot dog. Something's troubling you - fear? stress? anxiety? - and you realize that the shadows creeping up behind you are actually several large - albeit cartoonish - bears)

Don't Fight the bears - this will only encourage them to come back (and release adrenaline - the 'fight or flight' hormone - in you... leading to more bears --- and more stress/fear/anxiety) and... Don't feed the bears! (I.e. don't let yourself dwell on the anxiety/fear/stress/whatever's bugging you - that will also keep them coming - it also releases adrenaline) Just look 'em in the eye, say, "Hey bears, I see you there, you're right, I am stressed/freaked out/pissed/etc, and it's okay. I'm not going to feed you, and I'm not going to fight you. I'm just going to be."

It may sound silly -- but to me, it was very, very helpful. (And, in fact, as I typed this I realized how very little I've 'practiced' it lately - which can't be helping the topic of this posting.) On a side note, the ringer of my cell for a while was Mini #1 saying "Don' feed tha' bear!" - from the Adventures of Winnie the Pooh - for a year or so, which made this technique feel even more 'right' for me... every time I was getting myself worked up, her sweet little voice reminded me not to.