Fading...

sweet slick violet crown...

coaxed smoothly to the crisp light

growing dreams, hope, love

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

the last baby i caught was on march 1st... today is april 8th. (it seems as though it's been so much longer since i've been blessed with a catch, but as i type this - i know that's right; i remember it very vividly!). as i completed my clinical journey with the Midwife, i knew that there would be a period of time when i wouldn't be seeing women and men transformed into mothers and fathers... and i was (or thought i was) okay with that. a few weeks... i could handle that, right?!

well, at first - all was fine. no biggie. the first week, i think, was Mini #1's "spring break" (really, they have that for pre-K - i kid you not). so, we chilled out, did some family things, and i de-compressed; it was just what i needed after a few really stressful weeks. the next week, i caught up on a forum post or two that i HAD to get in. and then - suddenly - (okay, not suddenly at all - i had all term, and most of you know this, right?!) it was crunch-time and i had to finish The Paper. so, that kept me occupied for the last week and a half or so of March. and i got it done, with flying colors (thanks be to whoever you praise).

but - now that's all done. and this nagging feeling, that's kind of been popping up here and there in the past five or six weeks - is back with a major vengeance. i feel unemployed; i feel like i am sitting around, doing nothing, being a lazy, useless pile o' rubbish. i haven't been less than a full-time student and/or worked less than full-time since, well.... i can't even say when. i mean, it's been a long time, folks. (and i'm not saying this just because i'm pretty sure i'm getting a touch of dementia --- i really am used to working at least 1-2 jobs, going to school, etc, at a crack). sure, i'm still working right now - but i'm a 0.3 FTE. which means - 1 or 2 shifts a week. and - i AM perpetually lazy, which means if i can get "low-census" (i.e. things are slow in baby-world, so they don't need all the scheduled 2 or 3 nurses...) --- i'll often take it, out of habit.

i think i am annoying the "new" midwife to pieces - i've emailed her a few times over the past couple of weeks (mind you, i believe she is just coming back from a medical leave)... but i really, really, REALLY want to get started with her. i'm also starting to get a little anxiety prone. like, i have 260 hrs to go of clinical, and i need (want? should?) to be done by the end of june to be done for this 'term'... if i don't get going very soon, i don't see how i'm going to get all of those hours in. i'm trying so very hard to be patient, but i just w a n n n n a G O O O!!!

it's times like this, that i really could use a little xanax... or a big glass of wine... or gerard butler... *sigh* (for example - my anxiety? see how i'm typing in all lowercase? telltale sign...)

and mostly ---- i just want to get my hands on some babies! *pout* (well, and meet their mama's, too, of course... that really does add a little something to the experience...)