Hey! Can It Be?

Can I actually be back in the clinical saddle again? The wild ride continues, apparently... a month after my short stint on the western side of the state (only catching babies - no clinic), and almost four months after parting ways with the Midwife, it looks like I might finally be "good to go" with "Dee" (hopefully a psuedonym I'll remember!), my new preceptor. The wait to start at this site has been such a long, drawn-out struggle... even though everything seems to be ready and in place for me to start this last leg of my clinical journey on Wednesday, I'm still hesitant to really believe it. There have been so many false starts: way back in March, it looked like I would be able to start building up hours with Dee in early April, after she returned from a short medical leave; after weeks and weeks with no communication, it turned out that somehow my paperwork had been lost among the administration team, pushing the process back further. Then, gradually it was May... and now June...

Luckily, the short voyage across the state last month did much to re-energize me and to remind me why I'm doing this all in the first place (although I feel like my clinical skills and knowledge are going to be awfully cobwebby once I finally break my way back into the clinic); my daughters tossing off comments without a second thought - "Mama, when you were a little girl you were like us, but then you grew up and started to catch babies all the time!" - like it's always been this way, only cements that feeling even more.

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Which, of course, leads to the next step in the journey. If (when) I ever get through this step - clinicals, that is - and if (when) I manage to pass both comps and boards (an overwhelmingly terrifying prospect) ... then what?! The job market for a CNM in my area is bleak. As in - none. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I've been following several CNM search engines --- GetMidwifeJobs.com; the job listings on ACNM's website, the listings on my school's forums, etc. I've sent resumes, cover letters, and CV's to anyone and everyone, to every job that looked remotely interesting; to Alaska, New York, and AZ. With no calls, no emails, nothing. Kind of depressing, to be honest... but I haven't been very aggressive myself - you know? I still have 170 clinical hours, and up until this week, no idea when I would get those hours going.

Out of the blue, though, I got a call this week from a physician in Maryland; we had a nice, 20 minute chat (after I hung up on him initially - oops, the drags of living in the rural Midwest) and I was left with a bit of hope and interest in what could come from the talk. Could I do Maryland? Pro's - Adventure, ocean nearby, change of pace... a job. Con's - Moving across the country, no family anywhere (some days that might be a slight pro... slightly), higher cost of living... and apparently it's a very 'un-rural' area. Not so good, since I have a feeling I might get kind of antsy surrounded by city/urban folk... maybe. (Although living around here in a cardboard box, with loan papers coming in the mail on a daily basis, might making me kind of antsy too - especially when the snow starts flying...)

I hate to even post this here, since a tiny part of me (okay, a good-sized part of me) is superstitious - but when I met with Dee last week, she also gave me a glimmer of hope for a potential position at her site. (This site is about 45 miles from my current home; it's within the same healthcare system I currently work for, and while it would have its own set of pro's/con's to consider, staying within the area would be a huge "pro". ) So, after talking more with her this week, maybe - hopefully - I'll be able to expand on this more...

The Power of a Mother

“We have a secret in our culture, and it’s not that birth is painful. It’s that women are strong.” – Laura Stavoe Harm

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In the past weeks, I've had the opportunity to see a beautiful display of the strength the we, as mothers, hold within ourselves. I have seen two first-time mothers carry twins to term and birth them vaginally (a rarity in today's obstetric world), and I've been blessed to be a part of several beautiful water births. I've supported women as they shed the pain and negativity of their prior births - whether vacuum-assisted, episiotomied, or cesarean - and worked their way to fulfilling, heartwarming experiences this time around. I've coached women through difficult labors, instructing them to push - or not push - at the hardest times, when it was the thing they most didn't want to do (but needed to, for the sake of their baby - whether due to a stuck shoulder, nuchal cord, or other concerning issue). I have seen mothers labor and push for hours, with no analgesia; I've seen mothers who plan to get "everything [they] can get" - but still have intense discomfort... regardless, the strength, and the determination to make it through, is amazing. I've visited women in the hours and days after their births and been awed at the love that's obvious as they snuggle their newborns; the way they hold their nurslings to their chest, cooing and adoring, proudly showing off their babes to older siblings, grandmas and nurses.

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Strong thunderstorms and tornados moved through this region - and much of the country - last weekend. The similarity between Mother Nature's power and that of a laboring mother is not lost on me. Surveying the damage of what has officially been deemed a tornado - which moved right alongside of the

hospital - brings to mind the rapid internal changes that occur with labor... Mama feels as though her insides are being ripped apart, ravished by the incredibly intense waves of contractions moving through her. Until labor began, she may not have even realized the strength within herself; and yet, like the buildings and trees damaged from this storm, her body will begin working its way back to normal within hours after baby's birth. (And, in fact, just as a beautiful, brilliant, calm sunset emerged from the storm - mama will almost always emerge from birth with a tired but peaceful sense of wonder as well, with the most beautiful prize to be had.)