The Guilt Bone

~ the hip-bone connected to the, thigh bone... the thigh-bone connected to the, knee bone...

       the knee-bone connected to the, shin bone... the shin-bone connected to the, ankle bone.... ~

General anatomy and physiology. Core nursing curriculum for all students pursuing any health care field; after that initial introduction, the bones, muscles, tendons, and major organ systems of the body are again pounded into the student's head another 854 times before the end of the schooling. If you know anything by the time graduation rolls around, you know at minimum where things are and what they (should) do.

So - where's the guilt bone?  I don't remember seeing it in any of the A&P textbooks, and it definitely wasn't in the coloring study guide that I bought (and rarely scribbled in); none of lectures I struggled to stay awake through mentioned this one. None of the multiple pigs that I've dissected over the years have had a distinct ossification by this name - but then again, maybe pigs don't feel contrite.  (After all, pigs do what we expect of them - roll in mud, eat slop from a trough, grunt around; there seems to be nothing damning in those days...) I did, however, spend a few timid Advanced A&P labs with a human cadaver dissection-in-progress; granted, I didn't make it through the entire study and could have easily missed a small, delicate prominence, but when taken into consideration with the lack of mention anywhere else in the literature or diagrams, I'm stumped.

Is it just me? I'm certain I have this 207th bone, this extra verse to the old diddy. My guilt bone is connected to the "I'm sorry" muscle, with an antagonist "I wish..." tendon. Unlike many of my more commonly-recognized bones - possibly teetering at risk of frailty in years to come due to my ambivalence towards dairy - this little fella is strong as they come. I can't be sure, but through some sort of unusual anatomical configuration, it seems as though all of the weight of my shoulders may actually balance on this one small bone... crazy, huh?

When a laboring mama ends up with the words "failure to progress" scribbled somewhere on her chart and her support person gowning up in surgical gear - the muscles flex, that bone moves. When the charting runs long and calls keep coming, keeping the Mini's from their Mama - I feel the tightening. When the common cold spreads around and obligations aren't met - more tension. The phrases, "I'm sorry...", "I apologize...", "Next time...", slide off my tongue as easily and honestly as a warm hello to a close friend. Unfortunately, their prominence undermines their significance, and the frequency drains me of emotional energy: I know I am not at fault for anything and everything that happens. This life that I chose and path that I'm on is one of beauty, of faith, and of dedication.

Today, I forgive myself for taking blame that is not mine, and open myself to the world beyond...

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Don't hate me, I'm pro-choice ... and pro-life....

(Foreward: --- aka warning --- this post deals with a controversial topic... it's my personal opinion, and I beg you to read it and recognize that I understand and respect all the very personal, intimate feelings about this. There are multiple ethical, moral, and religious aspects, and I grasp the enormity of even acknowledging another perspective - much less trying to be "okay" with one that defies your own personal beliefs. That said....)

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Dear friends...

I love you all. I love your babies, the smooth chubby cheeks, the gurgly giggles and the snuffly coos as they snuggle into a chest for a nap. I ache with you when you share the sorrow of your losses - the babies born still, the grandchildren suffering unfair illness and the sisters desperately hoping for their own babes. My own uterus skips a beat with each sweet, slick gift of life passed from a mother's womb to her arms; there's not a thing I would not do or give to see a smile cross the face of my own Littles, and the thought of seeing them in pain causes an almost physical pain to take seed somewhere deep inside my soul.

Abortion.  (I said it --- I think I had to, right? We all knew it was coming, eventually...)  I can't imagine being in the situation of having to weigh the decision myself --- to continue a pregnancy or potentially terminate... and am thankful I have never found myself in that situation. Simply remembering the bungee-cord of emotions that were rampant with both of my pregnancies - enhanced by a history of depression - leads me to feel that much more pain for the burden of fear and anxiety placed upon the hearts of any woman led to consider termination. I was a married, employed, educated woman with a planned pregnancy and resources up the wazoo (and the knowledge to identify countless more), and still scared witless; to a woman (or young girl) without reliable employment or education, a supportive partner or family, limited or any resources, who becomes pregnant, the future may be terrifying.  

This post is not meant to be a religious rant, a political push, a vicious argument against the ardent "pro-life" community. I believe in life.  I'm as pro-life as I am pro-choice. I believe in a G*d, some Creator of us all, a balance of all that is right/wrong, happy/sad.  Life begins, when life begins. To split hairs and debate the moment of "life" versus living cell seems frivolous, when to the women whose wombs carry those cells are in turmoil.  

I care for women, for families, and for babies - all of these groups, none of them exclusively of the other. I will not, as a healthcare provider, perform elective terminations ("abortions") --- but I will counsel my clients on all available pregnancy options, and never judge them for the decisions that they make.  I do not believe I could ever choose to willingly terminate a pregnancy which has taken hold in my uterus... but unlike too many of the women I've met, I've never been gang-raped, never been homeless, never been to the point of opening the door and finding social services peering in the corners looking for evidence of drug use and threatening to take my babies away.  The hardest financial "struggles" I've faced have been wondering if I would be able to make my cell phone payment and cable bill on time, or if deferring my student loan payments would be necessary... our family hasn't sought emergency food assistance, or faced cold winter nights without electricity.

When I close my eyes, and drift into dreams, I imagine a world where every strong "pro-life" family takes in a family coping with an unintended pregnancy (literally or figuratively), providing shelter, support, understanding, hope --- a home for a baby, ultimately, if needed.  (Of course this is in a land of lolly-pop trees and cotton-candy clouds... the logistics are nutty and no one's house would actually be large enough to accommodate an extra family - but work with me people!) To be serious, the crux of the matter - at least from the limited viewpoint that I've dealt with it - truly is the lack of support and resources generally available to women who find themselves immersed in unplanned pregnancies. 

Resources, education, support... oh my!  I dream, too, of a day when access to contraceptive options (including emergency contraception and preventative care/medical visits to discuss and explore different options) is readily available - without judgement, prohibitive cost, or excessive delay - to all women, with coverage from all providers. My faith is that I need to care for the women and families that I see, giving compassionate, holistic care; for some women, this will be supporting them as they continue pregnancies they weren't prepared for. For others, this will be counseling regarding termination. For all, it will include reliable contraception counseling talks, discussion of support services, and continued communication for months after our initial encounter. Though it is not up to me to weigh the life of the baby-to-be against the mother and family's emotional/financial/physical health and well-being, I have a strong faith that the G*d I trust in will deliver peace to the souls of every life involved...

Please open your heart and mind to those who hurt... be blessed...