Unfinished Business

"A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one." ~Rita Mae Brown

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As the days roll on and my birth experiences seem further distant, I realize there are quite a few loose ends that I need to wrap up. I have yet to hear from the 'new' midwife... I wonder, sometimes, if things will fall into place when I take care of the leftover details from my last rotation.

So, on my to-do list today, I plan to pen thank you notes for both the Midwife and her wonderful nurse; I'm going to run these to the clinic and drop them off, as well as small gifts of appreciation for both of them. (I hope this doesn't come off as suck-upish --- does it? Oh, well... it just seems to be the polite thing to do... maybe I'll pick up cookies for the rest of the MA's, etc, too.) I still regret that I never said goodbye to the Midwife's MA, but needless to say, as I walked by her on my way out of the office on that last day - it wasn't the time... she was in conversation with a few other nurses, and I was red-eyed and a mess.

I also have another small package to send off, but that one will have to wait until I find the address I need; this one, too, goes to someone who I feel badly that I didn't follow up with, and who I thought really was wonderful.

Finally, I need to decide if I'm going to give up on the 'new' midwife and desperately hunt for another site. After six weeks of no-baby, no-mama --- I just don't know. I don't like this feeling at all. I feel unemployed, lazy, useless, rejected. The old feelings of paranoia are starting to creep in. Is the 'new' midwife trying to tell me something? Maybe she changed her mind about working with me... but is trying to drop hints by ignoring me long enough that I just go away...

*sob*

(right before I posted, my advisor/faculty "RCC" called me back and we came up with a plan --- I emailed another potential midwife, and she is going to try to call the 'new' midwife to touch base... *sigh*. stay tuned...)

Fading...

sweet slick violet crown...

coaxed smoothly to the crisp light

growing dreams, hope, love

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the last baby i caught was on march 1st... today is april 8th. (it seems as though it's been so much longer since i've been blessed with a catch, but as i type this - i know that's right; i remember it very vividly!). as i completed my clinical journey with the Midwife, i knew that there would be a period of time when i wouldn't be seeing women and men transformed into mothers and fathers... and i was (or thought i was) okay with that. a few weeks... i could handle that, right?!

well, at first - all was fine. no biggie. the first week, i think, was Mini #1's "spring break" (really, they have that for pre-K - i kid you not). so, we chilled out, did some family things, and i de-compressed; it was just what i needed after a few really stressful weeks. the next week, i caught up on a forum post or two that i HAD to get in. and then - suddenly - (okay, not suddenly at all - i had all term, and most of you know this, right?!) it was crunch-time and i had to finish The Paper. so, that kept me occupied for the last week and a half or so of March. and i got it done, with flying colors (thanks be to whoever you praise).

but - now that's all done. and this nagging feeling, that's kind of been popping up here and there in the past five or six weeks - is back with a major vengeance. i feel unemployed; i feel like i am sitting around, doing nothing, being a lazy, useless pile o' rubbish. i haven't been less than a full-time student and/or worked less than full-time since, well.... i can't even say when. i mean, it's been a long time, folks. (and i'm not saying this just because i'm pretty sure i'm getting a touch of dementia --- i really am used to working at least 1-2 jobs, going to school, etc, at a crack). sure, i'm still working right now - but i'm a 0.3 FTE. which means - 1 or 2 shifts a week. and - i AM perpetually lazy, which means if i can get "low-census" (i.e. things are slow in baby-world, so they don't need all the scheduled 2 or 3 nurses...) --- i'll often take it, out of habit.

i think i am annoying the "new" midwife to pieces - i've emailed her a few times over the past couple of weeks (mind you, i believe she is just coming back from a medical leave)... but i really, really, REALLY want to get started with her. i'm also starting to get a little anxiety prone. like, i have 260 hrs to go of clinical, and i need (want? should?) to be done by the end of june to be done for this 'term'... if i don't get going very soon, i don't see how i'm going to get all of those hours in. i'm trying so very hard to be patient, but i just w a n n n n a G O O O!!!

it's times like this, that i really could use a little xanax... or a big glass of wine... or gerard butler... *sigh* (for example - my anxiety? see how i'm typing in all lowercase? telltale sign...)

and mostly ---- i just want to get my hands on some babies! *pout* (well, and meet their mama's, too, of course... that really does add a little something to the experience...)